married

cass and nick are getting married. i went and had dinner with cass and catherine in idaho falls last night because i can't go to cassidy's bridal shower later this week. it was really good to see them and talk and hear about all of cass's wedding plans and all of that. i haven't really talked to her much lately so it was nice to hear what she has going on. honestly, when i first heard that they were getting married it was a little hard but now i am just so happy for them. they are going to have an amazing family and they're going to be able to bless so many people's lives together. also, it is nice to see cass so happy and know that she is going to stay that way. i am happy they are my friends.

I love these two. congrats!

monday

Monday's are always interesting. Last night I couldn't go to bed until after 1 in the morning because first of all, i took a really long (3 1/2 hour nap) yesterday and secondly, i hadn't planned what my classes were going to be doing today and I didn't want to work on it until monday (ok, i know that waiting until midnight is kind of lame and more of the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law but at least i did that.) because i guess its real work now, not just homework, and i don't want to work on sundays. it was hard going through college without doing homework on sundays but i saw blessings come from it many times so i am going to carry that out through my life.

So, i started the week tired. stupid idea. oh well... what's done is done. today hasn't been too bad so far. The basketball student i am friends with who i have mentioned before spends a lot of time in my classroom. she has my class second period and then 3rd period she has study hall which she hates so she comes in here to work cause its my prep and then sometimes she finishes her 4th period stuff and comes and does stuff for me then. i am glad that she feels comfortable coming in here for help and to just talk. i don't know how much i said about it before but the girl needs some serious stability in her life. she has way too much responsibility for a 17 year old and i feel bad for her. i wish that parents would realize that their children can only be young for so long and let them enjoy their carefree lives. i miss being a teenager sometimes and i wish that they figured that out and enjoyed it while they can.

life

Right now my life is really really busy. teaching and especially coaching has really taken up a lot of my time. ok, almost all of my time. sometimes i wish that i just had some time for myself to do what i want but then i think about it and i am glad to be busy. this summer i didn't have any responsibility and nothing that i really had to do everyday. i was bored almost all of the time. i don't even know the last time that i felt bored. it is nice to be busy. it makes me feel like my life is worth something and that people care if i am around. lately i have really had the feeling that this is really where i am supposed to be and what i'm supposed to be doing. i am around the people i need to be around right now. it is a good feeling to feel secure with being here at least for right now. I have no idea what i am going to do next year. i don' tknow if i want to stay teaching at american falls or not. i really like it but life can change fast. guess that's exciting though... never knowing what's coming.

i need to be better at writing on here. i consider it like my journal and i haven't been very good at keeping it updated. i'm going to try to do better.

coaching

So I have been really bad at writing on here lately. I am so busy that I don't have time for anything. It is nice to be so busy. Between teaching school, coaching basketball and my church calling I hardly have time for myself. Coaching is really fun and I have grown to love the girls that I work with. There is one girl that I especially have grown close to. She is a senior and is absouletly hilarious. As I have found out more about her I know she has a kind of hard family life and it makes me sad. Her parents got divorced a while ago because her mom cheated on her dad with his best friend. Her mom is remarried and she doesn't really like her new step dad and her mom doesn't let her spend much time with her real dad because she thinks he is a bad influence (ok he has let her get a tattoo and drink with him so I guess she is right to a point) but he seems like a good enough guy and she really loves him and misses him and I feel bad for her. She just needs some consistency in her life and the head coach and I have both really gotten to know her. Last night she told me she felt like I was a big sister to her and she liked it and that she knew a while ago that I was going to become one of her best friends. It made me feel good that I was making a difference in her life. She is fun to be around and I'm glad that she knows she can come to me for help if she needs it.

who are you?

someone in the boise area keeps looking at my blog.... a lot. who are you?? i would love to know who is reading.

At least...

At least...

I am healthy.
I have a safe and comfortable place to live.
I have a job.
I have a family that loves me unconditionally.
I have money to buy food.
I have the ability to learn new things.
I feel ok with who I am most of the time.
I have friends.

But most of all-

I have the knowledge that there is a plan for me.
I know where I am going and what I ultimately want in life.
I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.
I have the ability to use the atonement every single day
to comfort me and help me when I need it.

Winter came early..... Dang

Need I say more??

Dang

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I don't know why but I just haven't felt like writing on here much. I guess I don't feel like I haven't had many thoughts worth remembering. This weekend I have been at home for conference and just for a relaxing weekend. It has been pretty nice to have some time off from life.

This weekend my brothers ex-girlfriend, Bekah, from like 3 years ago came for a surprise visit with my other brother. Devin invited her here. He didn't want us to know that he had done that so it was supposed to be a surprise for our family. But whatever, my brother is a little more transparent than that. He is starting to screw with her emotions again and it makes me mad. Her and I talked for a while and she is really good at saying things like she knows nothing is ever going to happen with them and she's not in love with him anymore but I feel like she is lying to herself. I understand where she is coming from and I know how she feels and I know that there is a part of her that wishes things would work out. I can see myself in her and it makes me ache.

Everything has just made me think a lot about my life and what's going on. And, to add to it all, Daniel called me on Thursday night just to talk. I, for some unknown reason to me or anyone in the world, miss Daniel. It is frustrating. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to wish that I could talk to him. I don't want to have dreams about him. I want to find someone to fill the part of me that feels empty since Daniel has been cut out of my life. I want to care about someone that cares about me the way that I will care about them.

I don't understand why I could want to even associate with someone that has hurt me so many times. There is something seriously wrong with my brain. I wish I didn't love the Robertson family so much. It would be easier if they all weren't so amazing and fun.

pay day!

In about 2 minutes my first paycheck is going to be deposited into my bank account. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am!!! My first salary paycheck... wow this is a big step!

hmmm

Dear Friend,

For some reason I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm not sure why or what it is I'm even thinking. I am glad that you are a part of my life and that I know you. You have helped me remember things about what I deserve in life and how I deserve to be treated. Please don't change that about yourself. I hope that you are having fun and that you are letting lots of new people get to know you. But, don't forget about this friend. I still want to talk to you and hear about how things are going. Please call or text anytime, it would probably make my day.

Tinnie

Dark Circles

Right now I am at school. It is lunch time and I am taking a break from all of the teacher stuff I should be doing so I am not doing it tonight at home. Well, I just made the daily lunchtime break to the bathroom and took a gander at myself in the mirror. I have dark circles under my eyes. It seems like every day they are getting worse. I feel like I am always so so tired and I don't know why! I have been going to bed earlier every day and it doesn't seem to help. I think that something is wrong with me. I wake up literally every single day at 4:45 and then look at the clock and say dang it, why am I awake?! I don't have to be up for over an hour. Why is my internal clock so incredibly screwed up? Also, I think the circles are getting worse because I am getting white. Why does the sun have to leave us?? I think that we should all vote and get the planet to stop rotating so that we can have summer all the time. Not really dealing with winter this last year while I was in Vegas made me realize even more how much I like being warm and that I don't enjoy being cold. I am dreading the snow. I hope that it waits until at least November but who am I kidding. For all I know it could start next week. Man I wish it was Friday.

Teaching blog

I have 2 blogs... does that make me a complete nerd?

It is a blog about my teaching experiences mostly so that I don't have to repeat myself 8 times, to every member of my family. The address is tyleenteaches.blogspot.com

Maybe someday I will publish it as a first year teacher's journal. Then I could make the big bucks!

So happy

friends

So yesterday I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I don't know why but I just was. I think that I was just feeling unsure about the friend area of my life. I think that for some reason I was basing my ability to keep friends to the fact that Daniel and I aren't really that great of friends anymore. I was feeling picked on for lack of a better phrase. I was wishing that Daniel and I could move past this crappy thing that is going on where we don't talk to each other for a long time and then when I do try to talk to him he ignores me for a while and makes me feel even worse but then I started to really think about it and honestly, I guess that even though it sucks its ok. (sorry, longest sentence ever) I realized that even if there was some way for Daniel and I to just be really good friends I don't know if I would even want that. In the grand perspective of things a friendship like mine and Daniel's can't really last. Once I finally do meet someone then I won't want Daniel to be that involved in my life anymore and I'm sure the new guy won't either. That would just be not healthy. And so, I guess that I need to keep telling myself all of this so that I am ok with Daniel just being someone I know that I occasionally talk to. And besides, I feel like Daniel has changed a lot in the past year or two. Not necessarily bad or good change, just changed and he isn't the same guy that I fell for. When I feel like I miss Daniel it isn't the Daniel that he is now but the one he was two years ago. Maybe that's why things never worked out. Because the man he is becoming isn't the man I want or need. (not that I still don't think Daniel is a great guy, when he wants to be, just not the one for me.)

So now, I don't feel so sorry for myself. I have realized in the past couple of days that I have some super good friends that I wouldn't trade for anything and I am meeting new people every day. Nick and Kallen stopped by here on their way home from Utah and it made me feel really good. Well I think that it was mostly Nick's choice and Kallen just went along with it but still, its nice to know people are thinking of me sometimes.

he is home

my friend is home. jordan got home from his mission last night. i got to talk to him tonight for like 45 minutes. when we first started talking he was all weird and acted like he didn't know how to speak but as we got talking it was better again. it was just nice to talk to someone like jordan. he has always treated me well and says nice things that make me feel good. and i laughed really hard a lot which always feels good these days. i'm excited to see him in about a week. everyone needs a friend like jordan.

on a seperate note i just got a text from my friend nathan (guy i dated in high school) and he just got engaged. he's getting married in december and i am so happy for him. i have heard a lot about this girl and it just sounds perfect. i have a feeling a lot of my guy friends are going to be getting married soon. i hope they find girls that deserve them because they are pretty amazing.

crappy

today i feel like crap. sitting on my bed crying makes me feel worse. the crappy part? i don't know what to do about it.

its all becoming real

My first day of school is tomorrow. I soon get to meet the kids that I have just seen on paper so far. I thought I was going to be nervous by now but suprisingly, I'm not. I think that I am ready. I have been thinking about, learning about, speculating about, planning for, and anticipating this day for almost 3 years and it is finally here. I am finally going to be a real teacher.

It is almost a little overwhelming to think that I finally made it here. I am doing what I want to do. I am moving forward in my life in the direction I want to go. I am really glad that 3 years ago during the first week of the semester I decided to change majors and become a teacher. Sometimes I couldn't help but wonder if I made the right decision. After this last week of preparing my very own classroom and wondering what my very own students would be like, I think that I did. It feels natural that I am in the classroom which is comforting. I think I'm ready to do this.

I hope tomorrow goes well.

blah

I am bored.
And that is all.

I finally woke up from my nightmare

Moving to Pocatello has not been quite as easy as I hoped it would be. It was a horrible experience and I am so glad that the bad part is over. Here's what happened.

I showed up to my "house" in Pocatello on Saturday night. Well it was NOTHING like I expected. The pictures I saw were VERY deceiving. This house was no joke at least 100 years old. I think that it used to be where the owners of a motel lived because well that's what it was. It is in maybe the most sketchy part of town in Pocatello. Sketchy as in, I was afraid to be outside alone at night. Like even on my doorstep. Ok, so the outside was bad. When I got inside I thought it might be ok. I mean the girl had nice couches and stuff the house was just old. Well upon further inspection I realized I could not live here. The outlets were so old that they were missing that 3rd prong hole. That meant I couldn't use my laptop in my room... lame. Later I found out my blow dryer didn't work in the bathroom. My bedroom was so boiling hot I wanted to sleep without any clothes on (I was tempted except I was afraid my roommate might walk in so I settled for keeping my undies on) So that night I went to bed trying to sleep but not really being able to because I was so stressed out. I dreamt about it, I tossed and turned, I woke up and just layed there multiple times. It was a long night.

Sunday morning I woke up and basically wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. My mom told me we had some family friend that lived here so I called them and asked if I could stay with them for a couple of days while I figured out what to do. They said yes I could as long as I needed to. I packed up my car with all of my stuff and went to find Carlie's old bishop so that he could maybe help me with some ideas. Well she was wrong about what time the ward met so there I was, sitting in my car with all of my crap with no where to go. I sat there for a while and just cried. I wanted to just call American Falls and tell them I wasn't coming and just go home. Basically, it sucked. After some more phone calls I finally found the bishop and he suggested moving to the complex where Carlie lived last year. He even told me which apartment he thought would be best. Well I called the girl and she said I could come and talk to her. It was nice to see it and meet her and I decided if it came to that I would just move there even though earlier in the summer I felt like that's not where I was supposed to be.

Well, to make what could be a much longer more horrible story short. I talked to some more people, went and looked at a house which was super nice but didn't feel right, stayed with the Mickelson's for far too long considering the whole time I was there it felt awkward and I had nothing to do because they have no internet or tv (really people? come on) and I finally decided to just move into the apartments.

Wednesday morning I came here, filled out all of the paper work, wrote out a fatty check, and moved in all within about an hour and a half. I feel ok about living here. Considering the alternative I guess I feel great about living here. The only concern is that once again I am living in an apartment with 5 other girls. One of which is a new freshman who is from Rexburg who is in the marching band who practices her sax in her room so far every day. The upside? I have my own room, we have 2 fridges, a walk in pantry, things are pretty new and nice and I don't feel like my personal safety is threatened.

And so, I made it. I finally am moved in. I am moving forward. I am starting the next step in my life. Go me.

moving

i am moving to pocatello on saturday. i finally found a house to live in. i think that it sounds like a pretty good set-up and its a steal of a deal. 200 a month! for my own room, washer and dryer, all utilities included. ya, pocatello has cheap housing. and its even cheaper because its further away from ISU than most students want to live so basically i am glad i found it.

i am excited to move on to the next step in my life. i am ready. home has been better lately but its time to look forward. i have next week to set up my classroom and then meetings start the monday after that and then school starts on wednesday. hard to believe. my friend dan started today. he said that it was fun which made me feel good that he had a good first day. dan is insisting that i call him on saturday so that he can come and help me move in. maybe him and i can just be friends again. we did have a lot of fun in vegas. i just don't want him to think more than is really there. i'll have to play it by ear.

well, one more day. i haven't even started packing. i am going to do that all day tomorrow. it shouldn't take too long. i am basically pro at it by now considering i have been doing it basically every 4 months for at least the last 2 years. my next post will probably be from my new place... that sounds nice.

Sunday

For me, and I'm sure for others, Sundays are a day for lots of thinking. Depending on my mood this can either be good or bad. Today was a pretty good day overall. Church was good even though the lady that taught relief society drives me crazy and even though I am not in town to go to this ward very often it seems I never miss the Sunday that she teaches. I am so lucky... But things were still fine. After church Janiece had some friends from the singles branch come over and play games. I played with them on and off. Its hard for me to care if I meet people here since I am leaving in less than a week (still can't believe its finally time). So we played games and I watched some crazy good olympics with my dad. Anyone who saw the mens 4x100 swimming knows what I'm talking about! And so, overall a good day.

So what did I think about this Sunday? Well, it was Daniel. But, not in a way that I have thought about him and our situation so much in the past. I felt like today was healthy. The reason I started thinking about him was I was writing in my journal and I read something that I wrote last fall semester. I was just talking about what kind of person I thought Daniel was and about how I think that he as the ability to do some amazing things in this life. Well, it just made me think about him as a person and what he is doing with his life and where he is going and what he is going to end up doing. And mostly, the feelings and thoughts I had today were that I just want him to find someone so bad that will love him as much as I loved him. I want him to find someone that will support and encourage him in all of the crazy adventures he likes doing, that won't be mad when he spends so long playing after working hard all day, that will let him relax when he can't go anymore, that will help him become the kind of man that I know he can be, that will realize how smart he is and won't let him settle for second best, that will give him beautiful children that he can be an amazing dad to, that will push him to always be learning new things because that's what makes him happy, that will be brave enough to stand up to him when he is being unreasonable and stupid, and mostly, a person that just makes him be happy and helps him be an honorable priesthood holder who keeps his commitments and fulfills the leadership roles that he was born to do. I know he will find that person that does all of these things and more. And, I hope that when he does meet her that he will realize what an amazing person she is and treat her the way that he should and that he will fight for her and make her know how much he loves her. I just want Daniel to be happy.

its goood

today i was driving home from my last cake decorating class. the sun was setting, it was beautiful. i was just driving along thinking about my life and basically i realized, i am happy. yes there are things that i really need to still work on and there are things that are not even close to perfect or how i want them but overall, i am a happy person. but why am i happy? if you were to examine my life it is not all that exciting. my days fill with working out, reading, watching lame tv shows i rent from the library, make dinner every once in a while, hanging out with the parents or sisters, or something else that is not exciting. i don't really have friends here. i don't go out and do a ton of stuff. so why am i happy? i am happy because i decided a bit ago that i was going to be. the weeks before visiting the amazing beauty of salmon idaho things were looking pretty grim for me. i wasn't doing anything with my life, i was just existing. but, something about that trip.... everything about that trip. the drive, the friends, the hike, the hot springs, sleeping outside, laughing again like i used to, being happy... it reminded me of who i like to be and how to be me. and the best part about it? it was me who decided to be happy again. my happiness was not connected to another person. and that makes me even happier.

cuticles

recently i have learned that i can tell a lot about how i feel about life by the state of my cuticles. when i am stressed, i tear them to shreds. when i am bored, a couple of them take the brunt. when i am happy, content, busy... they are just fine. so how do my cuticles look right now? over half of them are excellent and the others are healing and soon to be good. i'd say things are looking up.

moving forward

I am grateful that I know where I'm going with my life and I have a plan for at least the next 10 months or so. I feel bad for the people that don't.

kick my butt

Tonight i went and talked to a lady in my ward about working out and losing weight. well this lady, her name is gaigh, is an instructor at a gym. also, the fire department hired her earlier this year to get the new firemen into shape. basically, she knows her stuff. she is quite possibly one of the most fit women i know. she told me some things that i need to do and what she wants me to do. i feel like i know how to get myself into shape but this is really going to hold me responsible and have someone to report to. here is what i have to do for the next 2 weeks:

- work out 6 days a week for 60 minutes
- do not eat sugar
- do not eat bread
- keep a food journal of EVERYTHING i put in my mouth
- don't just run: do things to spike my heart about 2 minutes on, 2 minutes off
- jump rope, do strength training stuff
- be able to do a tricep pushup by the time she gets back (ok way harder than it sounds)

basically by september 1st i plan on rocking my world and being amazing. it feels good to have a plan

good day

this is my 50th post... wow.

today was a pretty good day. i made a skirt and fixed my purse and finished my book and finished watching monk. the only thing i haven't done yet is exercise. i am waiting for it to cool down a bit before i go for a run. i realized this weekend that the time is going to go by really fast until i move. this weekend is half over, then next weekend is pocatello and salmon then the next weekend is here then the next is party time with catherine and cass and then i basically am ready to move. i am happy about this. i am ready to move. very very ready. overall, good day!

figure it out

i need to figure out where i am going to live when i move. i realized in the past few days that i basically only have a month left before i want to move. it is strange that i am finding an apartment for real life living. i am ready for this to happen. i am ready to start the next chapter in my life. i am ready to have my own classroom. yes, when i think about the first day of class it scares the crap out of me but i am ready. i have prepared, learned, praciticed, done everything i can do. i can't believes its already july 10th. the days go by slowly but at the same time, time is flying by. i think that next week i'm going to go to pocatello and then to rexburg to go up to salmon with my friends. should be a good break!

June 12th

Felt like putting this on here so i could keep record of where i'm at in my life...


hey daniel. how's it going? things here in idaho are going pretty well. nothing too exciting going on.

so today i was mowing the lawn for like 4 hours after i had been running so that means that i had a lot of time of doing nothing but think. for the last few days i have just been thinking about pretty much everything there is to think about. one of the things that i thought about was all of the friends that i have in my life. i have been pretty lucky to have some pretty good friends that i am still able to have contact with. last week was my friends nathan's (the guy that i dated in high school) birthday so i called and talked to him, we have been friends since we were 14. i was thinking about it and i am so glad that we are still friends and that we can talk to each other and still care about what is going on with the other. i am glad that we have been able to stay close friends even though it might have turned weird after we broke up. ok so you are probably wondering why in the world i am telling you all of this. i do have a point, promise.

here it is. i don't do very well at cutting friends out of my life. i always wonder how my good friends are doing even if i haven't seen or talked to them in a long time. and you happen to be one of my good friends!

so here's where i'm at... since we talked i have figured out some stuff. i have accepted and started to understand more of why we aren't supposed to be together. remember how i told you in rexburg that i was done with that part of my life and that you didnt' need to worry about it anymore? well that was true even though it probably doesn't seem like it. i think that what happened was when you came to my house i was kind of freaking out about growing up and moving on with my life. you were there, and things just happened. we feel comfortable with each other and will always have our past. it was easy for me to put my energy and thoughts into that because it wasn't as scary as thinking about everything else in my life. but lately i have realized that i really do need to not fall back into what is comfortable and what is easy. i have started moving forward with my life and started to figure out what i want to do and where i want to be and it feels good. i want to keep moving forward and keep figuring my life out. even though its hard, it is nice to progress in life.

so why am i writing you this email? well its because of what i said before. i am not very good at cutting friends out of my life. i feel like if i totally cut you out of my life it is like i am giving up the friendship that we have had for so long which in my mind would be totally lame and unnecessary. yes it was necessary for us to not talk for a while so that i could get my head on straight again. but i feel like i've done that. i want you to be my friend again. i want to hear of where you're going in life and the decisions you have made and the cool stuff you have done. just like any good friend would.

i dont think that i'm to the point where i can talk to you on the phone and i don't think that you mind avoiding the phone all that much. but, i would like to hear from you. maybe we could just email each other every now and again so that we can keep in touch and keep updated. of course it is up to you, if you don't think its a good idea then that is ok, just let me know. but honestly, i just want to know what's going on with you. hope things are going well for you and i hope that i hear back from you soon. have a good day!

tyleen

i don't know

it seems like when i dont feel like writing on here either things are going really well or really not well. i wish that this case was the first. when things aren't going well its like i don't know where to start. i don't know if i could say things are horrible but things are just hard lately. i don't know how to explain or where to start. i am just ready for my time at home to be done I think. i am tired of being in the middle of family problems and having my every action and word be scrutinized. i am tired of being afraid of what i'm saying or how i'm acting around certain family members because i am worried that they will take it as me hating them or getting on their case or causing them to turn around and attack me. this week should be interesting. starting thursday we will all be together, every single member of my now 11 member family and my brother's girlfriend. that makes 11 adults (one baby) with their own opinions, own feelings, own desires, own everything, all piled together stuck in a house in the mccall idaho with nothing much around but each other. yeah..... this should be interesting.

babysitting

This weekend I watched a family of 4 kids in my ward while their parents went out of town for the anniversary and so that their dad could compete in an iron man! (that's like 2 1/2 mile swim, 105 mile bike ride and then a full marathon!!!) The kids were 13, 9, 7 and 3. I was a little unsure of how it was going to go but it actually turned out to be pretty fun. These kids were so easy to watch and so easy going. Kind of strange to think about but it gave me a glimpse of what kind of mom I want to be. I enjoyed letting the kids make their own choices about what they wanted to wear, wanted to do, when to eat, what to eat (up to a point, no you can't have hot chocolate for every meal), who to play with and things like that. I can't even imagine being a mom that was in control of your childs life. That would get SO exhausting. At the same time that these kids basically decided how their day would go they were still understanding when I would ask them to do something or tell them it was time to go to bed. They would just say ok and do it. I wonder if you can help your kids be like that or if they just come that way. Overall though I really enjoyed it and I made some money at the same time which is always a plus.

Here is a link to their mom's blog: http://wenderful.wordpress.com/
I think that the kids are pretty dang cute especially the 3 year old Will.

real life

I called American Falls and told them I was coming to teach next school year. I feel good about it. It is very strange to think that I just accepted a real-life job! Dang I am getting old. They told me I could come up and get keys and start setting up my classroom if I wanted. So weird, MY classroom. This is going to be quite the adventure!

my trip...mostly from my phone's point of view

So while i was on my trip to utah i decided to chronicle it from my phone. well i guess only part of it... i didn't really start thinking about it until i was on my way away from utah. here are the highlights-

I have for about two years been trying to take pictures of all of the signs when I enter a state. Here is Utah's!

This was at the first bowling alley catherine and i tried to go to. It was basically amazing since that was the name of our bowling team!

I think that I passed 10 of these RV's while I was driving. They were all from canada.







Here I go back to Idaho







I of course had to go and visit my park. Matt was nice enough to go and sit there while he had to make some phone calls so I was safe.





When I was finally heading home I decided to stop and go and see shoshone falls which I have wanted to go for a while. Sadly, I didn't know it cost 3 bucks to go the rest of the way down to the falls! Cash only-i only had 1.50. This is as close as I got





Off of the same exit as Shoshone falls was this viewpoint, just like a mile from the freeway. Who knew something so beautiful was right there, all of the countless times I just drove past!

I really enjoyed taking a break for a week. It was really good for me. I have been happier since I have been home. I think that I might be accepting a job on monday. kinda scary, i'm really growing up.

hunka hunka burnin lung

the elevation in utah is a beast. i had hardly been running for 5 minutes when i felt like i was wheezing. but, it still felt good. i don't think that i remember a time when i didn't feel good after i stopped running.

i have an interview tomorrow with jordan school district. i hope it goes well. i still haven't heard back from tooele yet. maybe jordan will work out. i'm still a little unsure about what to do with my life. i hope that as i move forward i will get a little more direction. but its been so nice being here and taking a break from idaho. it has been so fun seeing family and friends! i don't know how long i'm going to stay here but we'll see. as long as i'm making progress for next year then being here is helping i suppose.

not so bad

This week has turned out to be not so bad. trent karissa and zeke came to visit! it has been fun having them here. karissa and zeke left earlier today but trent is sticking around until tomorrow. i am pretty sure that i am going to caravan down to utah with him. here i come catherine! i am going to be interviewing at a school in tooele next week and it will be nice to get a break. i am going to try to get interviews with the 2 districts in salt lake as well. i think that i have come to realize that just because i am choosing a school to teach at next year its not like i have to stay there for years to come. if i like it great! if not, i can go somewhere else next year. i am not as worried about it as i used to be which is a huge relief. so today i am going to do laundry and get ready to leave tomorrow!

bla

this week has made me realize even more that i do not want to stay around here to teach. being at home is starting to wear on me. it doesn't help that i had a kind of rough weekend and no one in my family really understands or has any sympathy. my mom got mad at me for being in a bad mood. i'm sorry if i can't be perfect and happy all the time. good thing i have my own room. it has been my saving grace the past couple of days.

i am doing better than i thought with the whole daniel thing. i think it is cause i am used to it because i have done it before. i am slowly beginning to understand why things haven't worked out with daniel and me. i think i would have spent my whole life feeling like i wasn't good enough.

i am hoping to hear from a principle in tooele soon. hopefully i can go for an interview. i need to find a way to get out of town for a couple of days. i might just go to utah anyway and hang out with my sister and friends. i need a way to make some quick money.

the last time

i talked to daniel. i put everything on the line. i told him everything i thought and felt. i told him that we either needed to commit to really try this one final time or i had to walk away and be done, completely and finally. i felt like i knew what was going to happen before we even started talking but i had to do it. i wouldn't have ever been able to stop wondering. and so i did it. i talked and talked. when i was done i sat there silent, waiting. after what felt like forever, daniel finally told me what he thought. he said that he really likes being my friend that we have a lot of fun together and that he likes having me around but when it comes to having anything more than that there just isn't a desire. he doesn't want anything now or ever. he said so if that meant we needed to go our own ways and leave each other alone then that's what he thought we should do.

i cried surprisingly little. i think that i knew deep down this was coming. i know i can do it and i know it is going to be ok and everything will work out eventually. and i know its going to suck and i know its going to be hard. i don't want to do it, but i have to. all i know is there is no way in hell i am ever going to go through this with daniel again. he's out of my phone, texts deleted, off my facebook. everything that tempts me has to be inaccessible. this has to be it, this has to be the last time.

i miss it

i miss what my life was like at this time.

this picture just makes me happy. that apartment was so fun every day. not a care in the world.

new record

I think that I have set a new record. I have applied for probably over 50 jobs, only had 2 interviews and have been turned down both times. Why is it so dang hard to get a job around here? Maybe if people would stop asking me how long I would be around for I would have a better chance. But what am I supposed to tell people when they ask me? I can't lie. It just sucks. I just filled out I think 4 insanely long applications online. Now I just have to wait and see what happens I guess. Bah.... so annoying!

bah

i feel like i am in the mood i am usually in when i write on here but i don't know what it is exactly i feel like writing about. i feel lonely, lost, and confused. i don't know what to do with my life. could someone please just tell me what to expect, even for tomorrow?

To Do

Here's my list of things to do today:

• Go and get an Idaho's driver's license
• Get fingerprinted
• Send in application for Idaho Teaching Certificate
• Call Wendy about job in Oregon
• Call Bozeman's and Longview's Human Resource Departments
• Go bowling for ONE DOLLAR a game
• Start to figure out what I'm doing with my life

Good luck to me

Family Galore

This weekend was so crazy. My Grandma turned 90 yesterday! 90!!! And so we had a huge birthday party for her last night. As many of her 7 children, 48 grandchildren and who knows how many great grandchildren came to celebrate. Before the party everyone came to our house for dinner. I think that there were at least 70 people here! I guess that's why my parents thought they needed such a large kitchen. It was fun seeing cousins I haven't seen in a while and it was nice to see how many people my grandma's life has affected. My grandma is an amazing person. She was the youngest child of 12. Her and my grandpa got married even though her dad didn't think it was a good idea and I'm so glad that they did! I can't imagine a better couple to do all of the things that they have done. She supported my grandpa through so many callings in the church without complaint. She tirelessly worked to take care of home and children because my grandpa was a busy farmer. And, most importantly she was the mother of my mom.

Have you ever seen a cake with 90 candles on it? It was quite the sight!

My oldest sister Karissa has been here for the past 2 weeks with my cute nephew Zeke. It has been so fun having them here. Zeke is 7 months old and already has such a noticeable personality. He is such a content baby most of the time. They are leaving today and I am sad to see them go.

I don't understand

So I tried to write a post earlier because I felt like I needed to get some things out but I didn't know where to start. It didn't work and I think I only wrote 2 lines before closing it. But, here's what I have now. I did it again. Catherine asked me on Saturday what was going on with Daniel. I told her I didn't know. She asked if we had kissed. I said yes and I knew that she and others probably thought I was stupid. She said that she just didn't understand. I didn't have an answer for her at the time but this is what I've come up with since then.

I love Daniel. Simply and undeniably, I love him and never have been able to get him out of my heart. When I was in Rexburg a few weeks ago I thought that there was no way that I would ever give Daniel a chance again. I thought I was finally done. Apparently I forgot to tell my heart. When Daniel got here, I was fine. Then we kissed. I thought about it when I was going to sleep that night and again in the morning. I wondered if I was being stupid. The answer I came up with was of course I was being stupid. But, after some thought, I realized that I love Daniel and even though there was a probably 95 percent chance I would get hurt again I could not make myself walk away. I had to see. I had to risk it again on the small chance that things had changed. I had to put myself out there for the love that I cannot explain to anyone, not Daniel, not even myself. Sometimes I wonder if I just love the feeling of love or if it is more. I know it is more than just for the excitment of being in love. I love him, every single thing that I see him do, say and think just makes me love the person he is even more. I know he's been stupid and even treated me like crap in the past. But for some reason, he's everything I want. I can't imagine a better life than the one I would have with Daniel. I know no one understands that, but I can't seem to let him out of my heart.

I know people say that there's nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you back. I don't think that's true. It is worse to love someone who does love you back but who still doesn't want to be with you and can't even give you one reason why.

Class

I went to institute tonight. While I was sitting there listening to the teacher, thinking about what we were studying and what was being said, I realized that I miss being in a classroom learning from someone who knows more than I do. It is a very fulfilling thing to walk into a room not knowing something and leave with new knowledge. I guess its a good thing that I have to continue learning as I teach. I hope I always remember how much I enjoy learning and growing.

a whole week

I made it through my first week being at home! I have to admit, being at home isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I do need to figure out some way to make some friends but that'll come. I am going to go to institute on wednesday night and i plan on trying to talk to some people there. we'll see how that goes. other than that i realized today that i need to plan some sort of adventure so that i have something to look forward to. i am thinking about doing something around hell's canyon. i need to find out some more about it but i'm pretty sure i'll be planning something. then i need to find people to go with me. i think that'll be my goal tomorrow. plan an adventure!! sound good? good.

Good day

I had an interview today. I think that it went really well. He told me that he would get back to me next wednesday. Essentially he told me that he would have hired me on the spot if he didn't know I was going to be leaving in August. I think that it would be a fun place to work and it pays at least $10 an hour which is amazing here. Hopefully it works out. I think I'm going to do some research and find out where institue happens around here. I need a way to meet people and make friends. And, its nice outside.... Its a good day.

Is it?

Is it sometimes ok to feel sorry for yourself? As long as it doesn't consume you and doesn't last too long I think so. I don't know, maybe its not healthy.

I'm done

I did it. I graduated from college. I still can't believe it. It is strange to think that a goal I have had since I was 5 years old is finally complete. It is nice to feel like I completed such a huge, demanding task. I am glad that I went back to Rexburg to walk. It made it feel more real, like I actually did it and am really completely done. I feel free. I can do whatever in the world I want to do right now. Its a good feeling.

Rexburg was good. I am glad I went, had a lot of fun. I was a little worried before I got there how it would all go. I was worried I would be bored, worried that people and friends had moved on and I would feel out of the loop, and probably more than anything, worried about how things would go with daniel. I felt like I was done with Daniel but I wasn't sure how it would be when I saw him again but I knew I needed to. I am happy to say that I am done with the Rexburg phase of my life. I am done with dealing with crap from Daniel, I am done wishing things would work out. Don't get me wrong, I still care about him, want the best for him, wish he will get to do everything in the world he wants to and is capable of. But, I no longer yearn to be there for all of that. I am happy to be a bystander, cheering him on, hearing from him only every once in a while. Again, I feel free. It feels amazing.

Vegas was good. I miss it sometimes. I made some good friends there. Since I left I have realized that I have more of an impact on those around me than I thought. 2 of my roommates have since told me they appreciated how hard I tried to be happy and do the things that make me happy, a guy told me that I had become one of his best friends and wished he would have done something while he still had the chance, and others have just called or texted to say hi. It is a good lesson to learn that even when I don't realize it, others are watching. I learned a lot from the people around me too. I guess that's why its good to be around new people, we can learn something from everyone. And, probably most important for me, I learned that I can make new friends and that I enjoy getting to know new people.

Wow, the last 2 weeks have been monumental.

Happy Birthday to Me

Well today I turned 23. That is so weird. I can't believe that another year has come and gone. It doesn't feel like I should be getting older. Today has been a pretty decent day I guess. Nothing too exciting. I have gotten some phone calls and an outrageous amount of posts on my facebook. Its nice to feel remembered. Everyone here is busy trying to get their work sample done because we go and present them tomorrow. I wanted to go and do something fun for my birthday but no one had time. Oh well, I am going to celebrate my birthday along with Karissa's and Trent's on Sunday when I am in Utah. Its fun being older and being able to share birthday time with all of us. I think this is the 2nd year in a row I haven't blown out candles... not a good thing I think. I need some wishes granted!!!

I hope that this year is good to me. I have no idea what to expect out of my life for the next year. I don't even know what to expect out of life in the next month! I guess in a way that's exciting. But, at the same time, I am looking forward to the time when I can settle down and start to make some more long term plans.

I only have 3 more days of going to school and then I am done. I am moving away from Las Vegas on Saturday. I feel like I just got here. I have so many mixed feelings about graduating its surprising I can still function at times. I still haven't found that magic switch in my brain that I can flip to turn off all of the annoying thinking going on up there. If anyone knows where it is, please tell me!

Overall, I guess a good day. Nothing too out of the ordinary but that's ok. A day without anything bad is a success in my book!

life

why do i seem to constantly seem to surround myself with people that let me down? i am tired of having friends who say they are going to do something and then it doesn't happen. i guess that it is human nature though. no one is perfect. it is just tiring. life is tiring.

Deciding to be Happy

So a while ago I came across this article and I really liked it so I bookmarked it. Today I was just thinking about a lot of things and I randomly decided to read it again. It has a lot of good points and it has given me a lot to think about and consider. Here is the link and a few parts I really liked.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/mindbodyandsoul/personalgrowth/articlegh.aspx?cp-documentid=5945810&GT1=10822

"The study authors suspect that a downside of feeling happy most of the time is that you expect to feel that way all the time. So when good things happen, it seems normal, but when bad things happen, it can seem catastrophic."

"Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind.... Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way."

"Some people are able to make the best of things that happen — and that's a key to happiness"

RUN TIL YOU CRY

The only thing that has made today bearable.

Spring Break

Spring Break has been amazing so far. It started out with Cass coming to visit. I think that we saw all of Las Vegas in one weekend which is quite a feat if I do say so myself. We were on the strip for 12 hours on Saturday. Yep that's right, 12 hours! It was insanely fun. Probably the highlight of the day was riding the roller coasters on top of the stratosphere. They were amazing! I love roller coasters and usually I don't get scared, just incredibly excited but I admit, one of them scared the crap out of me! It was a teeter-totter type ride. I was hanging over the edge of the building with nothing but a stupid lap bar holding me in. What was I thinking?! Needless to say, I had tons of fun even if my throat was sore from screaming so loud. That weekend was a weekend of firsts. First time on the stratosphere, first time seeing a live fashion show, first time gashing my head open.... Yep that's right, Sunday morning I hit my head and cut it open. Let me tell you, heads bleed. A lot. It turned out to not be so bad and I was able to just get by without stitches. It was so fun having Cass around and hanging out with her again. It was a great way to start my week off!

Tuesday I left for California. I am still here staying at my Aunt and Uncle's house. It has been fun and relaxing. Last night we went to the beach to watch the sun set. It was beautiful! I am glad that I decided to come. Today we have plans to go and check out LA and I get to finally meet my cousin's husband. I think I'll take off sometime tomorrow morning. I might go shopping or something before I head out.

I only have 2 more weeks of student teaching once I'm back. It is hard to believe that I am almost done and almost graduated. I got information about graduation this morning. It is hard to believe that I made it to this point. I have been working towards this goal since I was 5 years old and I can't believe its here. I am excited/nervous/scared/thrilled/etc to see what will come next for me.

who-rah

Tuesday is basically done, that means just 3 more school days and spring break is here. That means cass comes!!! i am so excited to see her. Its been weird not living by her since we have basically been together for the entire last year including last summer where i don't think we ever went more than like 4 waking hours without seeing each other. its going to be a never ending party! Then, Tuesday i go to California to soak up some more sun and bask in the glory of loving family. 3 more days... i can do it!

fitting of my thoughts today

"Til Kingdom Come"
Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing.

"The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

remembering to be grateful

Last night was.... interesting.

I did not want to go to FHE at all but I forced myself to go. I decided I was going to go for the lesson only and then I would leave. Well, once I got there I found out that the activity was a service project of going around and collecting canned food for the salvation army and so I felt guilty leaving. I still was not in the mood to meet new people, to socialize, to do any of that typical fhe stuff. I decided to just go with my roommate and 2 other guy student teachers went with us too. I was glad, no new people, just do the project and get out of there. Well right as we were going to the cars a guy from our ward asked if he could fill our empty seat. This guy is a Sunday school teacher in my ward. Last Sunday my roommate leaned over and told me that she thought he was cute and that he and I would look good together. Immediately my answer was no, not my style. This guy is what I like to call a grade a wiener. Just your normal cheese ball. Well, he came with us and I must say, he turned out to be a pretty cool guy (still not someone I would be interested in - picture your byu, provo, popped collar guy and that's him) but I admit, my first impression was wrong. Something that I need to remember, don't judge people before actually getting to know them.

Well, I got home a lot later than I had planned and I still had to prepare my lesson for one of my math classes the next day. Some of my roommates were watching a movie so I decided to watch and plan. I got my books, notebook, laptop and sat on the couch. Before getting to work I checked my email and I had received a response to an email that I had written the night before. It was a very nice email and it made me feel good but at the same time it made me sad. For some reason lately my emotions have been close to the surface. I didn't want to have my roommates see me cry and have to explain so I just moved to my room to have some alone time to think and reflect. I realized that no matter what stage of life we are in we are always going to have challenge and change to deal with but that's ok. That is why we are here. I realized that the problems that I may have going on are really not that huge and I will get through them. And, once I have figured this stage of my life out, new problems and new changes will come along and I will have to deal with those and learn and keep going. This is what we do in life, over and over. But, I know that things will work out and that we will make it through our trials. I know that we are taught and people always say that we will never be given a challenge that we cannot handle. I don't know if I completely agree with that. Let me explain. I know that some of the things that have happened to me in my life I could not have made it through, on my own. On my own there is no way that I could make it through my trials without falling. But, I have been thinking lately, we do not have to do it on our own. We have been given the gift of the spirit, a loving savior, personal revelation and more gifts that we know from a loving Heavenly Father. And so, we don't have to make it through our trials on our own. We are given more help than we can imagine. We will never be given something that we cannot handle, without help. Sometimes, I forget that and try to do it on my own and I fail. It is at those times when I am most unhappy and make the least amount of progress. I love how things happen that make you remember important truths that somehow we forget as we go through every day life.

And so, basically, I am grateful for the email that made me start thinking about these things. I am grateful for people listening to the spirit and being a tool in our Heavenly Father's hand. I am grateful for important relationships that teach us things that we would have a hard time learning on our own.

New Goal

I have a new goal and I know that by writing goals down, and telling other people it is more likely that you will accomplish them. And so, my goal is this: I want to read the Book of Mormon every day for a year. I know that sounds lofty and like a huge task, but I think I can do it. I am not going to set an amount or time I have to read every day. I just have to read, every day, for 365 days. I have a chart that I can mark my progress off on. I think that this will make a huge difference in my life. I started today, and so, until February 23, 2009, I am going to read the book of mormon every day. Anyone who would like to join in on this challenge with me, please do. I know that it will change my life for the better.

alone time

This weekend I have relearned that I need alone time to be happy. All week I am surrounded by and in front of hundreds of high school students all day, then I come home to my roommates and neighbors and friends. I am always around people, having to talk and communicate. I have come to love driving to and from school by myself each day. It helps me prepare and to unwind. Even with this small amount of driving time, it sometimes is not enough. Today I drove by myself to an outlet mall that was about 25 minutes away that I had heard was pretty good. I spent a few hours there just walking around looking at stuff (and got a sweet hurley hoody for only 22 bucks- what a steal!) It was nice to be alone even though there were of course other people there, no one knew me and I was able to do just do my own thing. It is nice to have some reflecting time and to not talk. There are a few people in my life that even when I am around them I can still have reflecting time. There are people that you can just be with. No one has to say anything, no one has to entertain the other, you are just comfortable with each other that presence is enough. I really appreciate these friendships and relationships. I love to know that you can get to know someone well enough that you can just, be. And so, along this thought, I think I might stay home tonight, by myself, to get some alone time and just be happy enjoying me. (hopefully that doesn't sound cheesy)

enrichment

I feel like I am so ungrateful. Tonight I went to a stake enrichment activity. It was nice to be around older women. They just seem to bring wisdom to the room, even if they aren't necessarily saying anything. We got there right as it was supposed to start and the place was packed. I ended up sitting at a table with the stake president, his wife, and some other women from their ward. The stake first fed us amazing dinner and then put on an awesome play about the 10 virgins. It was quite the production with a detailed set and everything. That story made me reflect on my life and what I have been placing importance on. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and move onto more important things. Easier said than done I know but I do feel like I need to work on it. I am going to try to focus on doing better things with my time and bringing myself closer to the spirit. I am glad I took the time to go tonight. I am glad I had something happen that has caused me to refocus. It seems like everyonce in a while we all really need an out of the every day mundane life experience to wake us up again and get us going. I am thankful for enrichment for maybe the first time ever.

why

Why
Why is this so hard?
Why do I have to go through this?
Why do I still think about him everyday?
Why does it seem like everyone else has it easy?
Why is this so tiring?
Why doesn’t he care?
Why do I miss him so much?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Why did I let this happen?
Why does he still have control over me?
Why does no one understand?
Why do I have to feel so alone?
Why does it seem like it will never get easier?
Why does this not even seem real?
Why does he do the things that he does?
Why does it hurt so bad?
Why do I still love him?
Why

I talked to my sister today. I am happy that things are going well for her but at the same time, it made me sad. Sad for myself. Me, being so selfish, feels sorry for myself. Janiece has basically had a boyfriend for the past 4 or 5 years? She has gone maybe 3 or 4 months without one, ever. It is discouraging. Makes me wonder why I haven't had the same luck. Well I do know that for the past 2 1/2 years I have basically put myself in a box. But, nonetheless, I am tired of being alone. I want to feel needed and I want to need someone. I miss Daniel again today. This sucks.

Progress

I guess I have made more progress than I thought. So I didn't go to school today because I felt like crap, I couldn't talk and basically wanted to never move again. My body needed a day to recoup and so I did. I stayed in my bed most of the morning and afternoon just napping, watching movies, laying there, etc. Well one of the time I was sleeping I had a dream. This is what it was. I was back in Rexburg with everyone. Daniel had invited anyone that wanted to to go cross country skiing. I decided to go because cross country skiing was fun. Oh, he had invited some other girls too that I didn't know but I didn't care. Well, we were meeting in the Hart parking lot so I was there with Daniel and one of the other girls getting our stuff all ready. It had been a while and we were still waiting for someone to show up I think. Well, I started thinking and realized that I shouldn't go because I was trying to get over Daniel. And so, in my dream, I left. I just told them I decided I wasn't going and walked back to arbor cove because that's where everyone else was hanging out. I woke up right after that. Apparently my brain is really getting that I am doing this no matter what, even in my dreams. It still sucks and it is still hard a lot of the time but I can see how this is better for me.

I am starting to feel a little bit better after resting all day. I still don't know what one of my classes is going to do tomorrow and it’s almost 9 o'clock. Maybe it will be a day where I wing it. Who knows. I hope when I wake up tomorrow I feel even better. I need to be healthy so that when I go to Utah this weekend I don't get Zeke or anyone else sick. I'm excited to go to Utah and take a break from here. The end of this week mark the half way mark of student teaching. Pretty crazy!

That is sick

I am sick. Not like sniffle my nose every once in a while, full on sick. I don't like breathing. Every time I breathe I cough, every time I cough I get a sharp shooting pain down my chest and my head throbs. My voice sounds like a puberty turning boy. Not a very good thing for a teacher, especially a PE teacher. How in the world am I supposed to yell instructions out if I can hardly talk? Today I made other girls yell my instructions. My math students were pretty understanding and stayed extra quiet today, thank goodness. I think it’s going to be rough getting better because I am not sleeping well and tomorrow for the second day in a row I have to be awake by 4:30. 4:30!!! AND! To top it all off, either tomorrow or Friday my university supervisor is coming to observe and evaluate my teaching. I hope he is lenient. Well, off to do lesson plans. Sorry this is all complaining.

Thursday...

Weekdays are better than weekends. I like how busy things are when I am going to school. Hard to believe its already a week into February. Time is going by fairly quickly. I am excited to get out of here next weekend and take a much needed break. I hope that this weekend is better than the last. Its supposed to be in the 60's so I want to go and do something outside. I am tired from waking up early so I am glad Friday is tomorrow and then I have two days of sleeping in. mmmm.... sleep. i am going to go and sleep right this minute.

trip

I am trying to decide if I should go to Rexburg over the 3 day weekend. It would be a lot of fun to see everyone and nice to take a break from teaching and all of that but I'm nervous about what seeing daniel would do to my ever so small amount of progress I have made in that area. I still miss him and think about him every single day. Weekends are harder than ever. Since people here don't know him or anything about that part of my life its like he doesn't exist here and I miss something that isn't real. Except my hurting is very real. Also, will going to Rexburg make me sad because everyone has had so much happen already that I haven't been a part of and I will just feel out of the loop? I miss everyone. I guess that's what happens in life though. You get close to people but eventually things change. You can still be close but it will always be different and things can never be like they were.

Cass misses Jared a lot and I feel bad for both of them. Giving up your best friend sucks. I was looking at Jared's blog the other day and he changed the songs that play and the first ones are now all about a girl leaving, or a girl choosing the other guy, or wanting a girl to come back to you. It made me sad to feel his pain through music. I wish I could talk to him and make him feel better but I don't know what I would say and I don't want to hurt cass more by talking to him when she can't. Maybe I'll just find a way to let him know that I've been thinking about him and praying for his happiness.

I don't think that Daniel even thinks about me or misses me. He is busy and if something isn't right in front of him he doesn't think about it. It hurts to think that someone that I care so much about can just place me in a little part of his brain and be done when he wants to be. Why is it so easy for him? I wish it were that easy for me.

Well the plan is to sleep in as long as humanly possible before church starts at 1 tomorrow. Who am I kidding, even though I'm going to bed at almost 2 I bet my body wakes up at 8:30 at the latest. This new schedule my body is on makes me feel like an old woman.

Thank goodness its almost friday

I hate crying.

Besides that, things are in general good. I really like teaching and I have realized that I don't mind going to school in the morning. Well, I don't like the fact that I am out of bed by at least 5:30 every morning, sometimes at 4:45 but once I'm up I'm ok. The day goes by really fast and I don't even feel like I'm working. The students are hilarious and I laugh so hard because of them every day. I got observed today by my supervisor and the only thing that he said I needed to work on was my written lesson plan format. That made me feel good because that doesn't have to really do with my actual teaching. He said a lot of nice things and it made me feel good and made me feel like I really am meant to do this. I feel like I can connect with the students in a way that not a lot of teachers do. Kids that don't normally do anything wil do their work for me. I don't know why, but they respond which is nice to have. It will be really nice when I have my own classroom and can do things my way. 2 more weeks and I'm already half way done with student teaching. Its hard to believe that this is the last day of January. This month has gone by quickly I guess.

I told my roommate today a little about how much it sucks to not talk to Daniel and it just made me think a lot about him and made it worse. I wish there was a way I could delete him from my thoughts for a while. Catherine told me about a time in her life that she thought of after reading this and I read it and a comment someone made on it made a lot of sense to me. They said that your time is never wasted if you learn something. It is good for me to remember that becuase sometimes I feel like I wish nothing had ever happened with us but then I think about everything that I have learned and it really is a lot and I wouldn't change anything. I have learned some amazing things from Daniel and for that I will be forever grateful.

I am so glad this week is almost done. It has been exhausting. I think that I convinced some people to go on a hike this saturday to watch the sun rise. It should be amazing if it works out. I'm excited for the weekend.

rough

Things have been rough lately. I miss him more than I thought would. Ok, that's not entirely true. I knew that I would miss him a lot but this week has really sucked so far. I heard that he had a bad day on Sunday and I just wanted to call him and see how he was doing so so bad. But, I didn't. It took all my willpower to not call or email him. This better get easier and it better really be what I'm supposed to be doing. I miss my best friend...

School has been good. I started teaching 2 more classes yesterday. They were the ones that I was most nervous for. They have gone well for the most part I think. I am getting observed on Thursday by my university supervisor so I'm already a little nervous for that. But, I guess the worst that could happen is he will tell me things I need to work on which is good to know.

Life is overall ok I guess. Someone today told me that they admire that I am always looking for the good in things so that's a good sign that I'm doing good things. Also, another one of my roommates can't help but laugh when she's around me, she thinks everything I do is funny. I am glad that the people around me think I'm generally a happy person.

and so it goes...

This week has been quite the roller coaster I feel like. I have made some changes and I mostly happy about them. I'll get back to that though.

School has been good. I have started teaching in one of my classes and I pick up the last two math classes next week. The first day that I taught my cooperating teacher wasn't there so I was on my own with the sub. I think that it actually ended up being better that way because I wasn't nervous at all and I felt like I could be myself and take control of the class and set the mood. I even had to get after one of the kids because he was distracting people around him and not paying attention at all. I gave them a test today and about half of them did pretty well. PE is fun. I started taking attendance and doing warm-ups. It is kind of overwhelming because there are so many of them but I think that it went pretty well. PE is a lot of fun to watch. The students do a lot of hilarious things and I just laugh and laugh.

Well back to the changes that I have made. I talked to Daniel on Sunday and asked him some important questions that have been on my mind. It was hard to talk to him on the phone because he didn't have anything to say. I was really just frustrated and confused about why I keep doing this to myself. I know that Daniel has done a lot to me that I do not deserve but I have allowed it, even welcomed it at times. Well I got off the phone and just sat on my couch alone at 1:00 in the morning just fed up basically. I was sad, hurt, mad, confused, and a million other emotions all at once. I decided right then that I needed to be done. To be really done. I realized that there was no way that I was going to get over Daniel if I kept talking to him and having him so involved in my life. And so I made a REALLY hard decision. I decided to just stop everything that I was doing that had to do with him. I wrote down all of his information out of my phone and then deleted it all from my phone. I didn't want to be tempted anymore. I emailed him and told him that for now, I just needed to step away. I told him that if there was anything that he thought it important for me to know then that was fine but otherwise I just wanted to disappear for a while. I told him that it wasn't like I never wanted to talk to him again because I still do and will always care for him but I really think that this is what I need to do for myself right now to help the most in the long run. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I have handled it a lot better than I thought I would. It hasn't even been a week yet so we will see how things go. I just hope that things work out for me sooner rather than later.

I did it!

I made it through my first day of student teaching. It was basically what I expected. More later...

Vegas

This past Saturday I made it to Las Vegas for my student teaching. It has been quite the experience already and I have only been here for two days.

Let me go back and recap my last week. Last Monday I went to Oregon with Brady Janiece and Hannah. It was so much fun. Basically I got to hang out with all of my guy friends that I haven't been able to really be around much since before their missions. It was a lot of fun to get to know them again. I got to be around Nathan and Brady the most. They are HILARIOUS! I haven't laughed so much in a long time. Thank you to both of them for making my week probably a million times better than it would have been if I had stayed in Middleton. We got back on Thursday night thank goodness because the next day they closed the pass because of high winds.

Friday I repacked all my stuff and loaded my car and around 3:00 I left for Utah. The drive wasn't too bad. There were really high winds and it was a little scary at times but for the most part, I made it ok and didnt' even get too tired. I got to stay at Karissa's that night and see her and Toby and Zeke. It was a lot of fun and I got to see how HUGE Zeke has gotten. Catherine came over and had breakfast with us on Saturday morning and then I left around 1:30 to go the rest of the way to Vegas.

The drive from Utah to Vegas was kind of scary in some parts. One hill I went over was especially bad. I wasn't sure my car was going to make it up. I was sliding a little and I was just overall nervous. I called and talked to Daniel for a while. It was nice to talk to someone and get my mind off of things. I was starting to get a little nervous for everything and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I don't know if you have ever driven into Vegas at night but there's this hill that when you're driving up it you can't see anything and then all of the sudden you can see all of the lights of Vegas. When I got to that point it was probably one of the times when I have felt the most overwhelmed in my whole life. My mom called me and I started to cry a little just because I was scared and nervous. I made it to my apartment ok and moved in. Since I got here things haven't been so bad. My roommates seem pretty nice and my ward is good. I actually feel really young here. Everyone is way older than me which is weird because I haven't felt that way in a long time. I went to my school today and met my cooperating math teacher. She seems like she is going to be to really good so I was happy about that. Tomorrow we go and get fingerprinted and then we have our orientation meeting. Wednesday is our first day in the school. That will be another nerve wracking day. Well, that's all for now.