Brent

My cousin Brent passed away last week. My mom called me while I was in Oregon and told me that while on a trip with his brother to Havasupi he somehow drowned. Brent was 30 years old. I don't think that it fully hit me until today that he was really gone. I didn't even cry until today. I read my cousin's blog (his sister) every single day. She has posted a lot of her feelings and todays made me feel like my guts were being pulled out through my belly button. I cannot imagine losing a sibling. I was thinking about that a lot today. My dad told me that two of Brent's brothers spoke at the funeral this morning. What a horrible thing to have to do at such a young age. Its not fair and should never happen but, it did. Brent was not active in the church but his family has some of the strongest members out there. What a blessing the perspective the gospel brings. I know that peace will eventually come for his family. They know the grand plan and that things will work out. But, that doesn't make it any easier right now. It pulls at my heart right now thinking about it. Brent was such a good person. He was an amazing brother, uncle, friend, son and cousin. He wasn't married and doesn't have kids. But what an amazing blessing he has been to his nieces and nephews.

I think that more than anything this whole experience has made me realize even more how important my family is to me. They are truly my best friends. My world would be over if I lost any of them. I am so grateful that some of the struggles I have had in the past with some of my siblings have passed by and we are friends again. I can't even think about what I would feel if I lost one of them and things weren't on good terms. I don't know how I would make it through that.

I feel like I am rambling.

My heart hurts, I just want to cry, and there is nothing else I can really say.

missing it

I keep dreaming about my friends from school. Some of them are good dreams, some aren't. I miss my friends. I loved how I was always myself around them and how not only was I myself but I felt secure with who I was. I think that one of the reasons that I was always willing to go out and do things and try new things with them was because they made me feel comfortable with myself. I wasn't scared to be myself or to look stupid. I was just me and that was ok. I feel like that now too but not as fully and securely as I always did with them. Yes, I have changed a lot since then but I think that it has been for the better. I like who I am now and I like my life but, I miss those times. I miss the laughing and the adventures and knowing that every day I had fun people to do things with.

she is getting married...

My little sister Janiece is getting married in a week and a half. She is marrying Connor. They have basically been in love since kindergarten. I think that everyone knew deep down that they would end up together. I am happy for them. But, how can I not be honest... it is hard. My little sister is getting married. My sister who is 2 1/2 years younger than me found someone when she was 5 years old and hasn't been alone since. Yes, it took them until Junior year of high school to actually "date". Yes, she dated other people while Connor was on his mission and had to deal with a couple of let-downs and break-ups. But, he has always been there for her. She has always had in the back of her mind that he was there, that they might end up together. And, they did. They are getting married for time and all eternity in the Portland Temple next Saturday. I don't think that this reality has actually hit me until I started writing this. My sister is going to be married. She is no longer going to be a Limb. She isn't going to be free to go on trips with me, to come home to visit whenever she wants, to go dance and go try to meet new people with me, to just be me and her and be sisters. She is going to have a husband, responsibility, another family. I am happy beyond happy for her. I love Connor and I am so glad that he is the one she is marrying. I am excited for him to be my brother and I am excited for how happy I know the two of them are going to be together.

But, I am sad. Sad to lose this stage of our lives that we have been able to live in for much longer than most, sad that she is moving away right after she gets married, sad that she is moving forward in her life with someone by her side and sad that I am still alone. Its a hard thing having your little sister get married before you. It actually is bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I think that people who don't know me very well think that I enjoy being single and that I have purposefully stayed unmarried. I haven't. I want to be married. I want to find someone that I can share everything with. I want to feel secure and safe. I want to be able to trust someone with my whole entire heart and soul and life and know that they aren't going to walk away and hurt me. I want to love someone. I want to know everything about someone and for them to know everything about me. I want to stop feeling empty. I want a lot of things. I know things are good and things will work out I just wish I knew when. I think if I knew how long I had to wait it would be easier to deal with the day to day problems and heartaches.

This post is turning into something I didn't expect....

I have learned something about myself in the last year. I hide my feelings. A lot. I hide them from other people and from myself. I have trained myself to push certain emotions to the very corner of my brain where I can't feel them anymore and certainly where other people can't see them. I don't even let myself process some things. I think that's why I didn't really feel the emotions of Janiece getting married until right now. I haven't let myself. Even now I can feel myself pushing it out of my thoughts. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to feel everything. I don't want to feel the hard feelings of some of the things that I have gone through. I don't want to remember the hurt. Going through it was enough, I don't want to relive it. I am glad I am good at not feeling emotion when I don't want to. But, sometimes I think its not a good thing. I don't like going through life numb.

I'll figure things out eventually. I have to.

I am wishing myself good luck on getting through the next two weeks. Time to paste on my smile and good mood so my sister doesn't worry about me. It is her time. I am happy for her. She is, and is going to be, so incredibly happy. Congratulations and good luck Neener. I love you.