tired and cold

I worked for 17 hours yesterday and by the time i get home tonight it will be a 10.5 hour day. and when i was driving to work today it was 10 below zero. I am tired and cold.... and cranky.

Half Marathon

I am FINALLY writing about my half marathon...

I so did not know what I had gotten myself into going into this race. This should give you an idea of how hard this was:




just check out that elevation chart at the bottom. I mean could there be any more hills?? It was so hard and I even had to walk up that last hugely steep hill for a while. But.... it was so much fun!

I had so much fun running with my family. I am really glad that I did it. I honestly believe that it was this race that saved mine and Devin's relationship. Even though we were really close growing up over the past couple of years we have had our battles and both have said things that were not nice and I can definitely say I thought things were never going to get better. But, training for this brought us together. And I couldn't be happier about it.

We all decided that we want to do another one. The half marathon length was just perfect. When I ran my full marathon 4 1/2 years ago I made a goal I would run one every 5 years. That would mean I need to do one next summer... We'll see how that all goes.

I do love running. It is so freeing and just makes me feel good. I wish I had more time during basketball season to run. But, I am just so dang tired when I get home. I am going to get into insane shape as soon as basketball ends. Mark my words.

I wish I could add pictures but I am at work and all my pictures are at home.

Oh, and I ran my half marathon on Saturday. Maybe when I am in a better mood I will write about it

I am TIRED

Another one of my close girl friends told me she got engaged this weekend. I am happy for her, really like the guy, think they'll be good together but... I feel like crap. I am tired of being excited for other people. I am tired of being patient and trying to stay positive and tired of acting like it doesn't bother me that I'm not married. I am tired of meeting losers. I am tired of people telling me they have someone they want me to meet. I am tired of getting crap for still being single. I am tired of people telling me how great it is to be married. I am tired of people telling me they are surprised I'm not even dating. I am tired of wishing I could be a wife and someday a mom. I am just tired. period.

Days like this suck. I don't like feeling sorry for myself. I don't like crying myself to sleep and then waking up in the same mood while I try to act like everything is ok. I feel like I just want to start running and go and go and go til I can't go anymore. Maybe I will. Tomorrow better be better than today.

Sunday is a thinking day

Sunday is a thinking day. I think I am too busy during the week and have too many other things on my mind to think much about my own life. Church today was so good. It was ward conference so everything was done by the bishopric and stake leaders. I love days that make me take the time to think about the things that are truly important in life. Overall, I am pretty happy with how my life is going these days. I have a good job, I have good friends, I finally have the time and resources to help people as much as I want to. It feels good to feel good. For too long in my life I was depressed and wanted to just get to the next stage of my life but now, I have learned to be happy where I am, doing what I am doing. Last Christmas my family picked a theme for the year and it was "Be Happy Now". I am really glad that I have been able to focus on that this year because it really does make the biggest difference in my life when I focus on this and I am happy with what I am doing now.

Yes, sometimes I do wish I was married and could start a family and get to do all of the things that I see my family and friends doing but right now, I have different things I need to accomplish. And, I am happy about it. I am glad Sundays are thinking days because today, I realize, life is good.

In a quiet way

I remember thinking about the way that people live the gospel in their lives when I lived in Provo. There were so many different displays of people's beliefs and testimonies that it made me think about how I showed what I truly believed in my every day life.

I think that was maybe one of the main reasons provo and I didn't mesh was because there were too many different people living life in ways that didn't make sense to me. There were the people that showed up to church on Sunday and that was pretty much it. Throughout the week I saw and heard of them doing things that made no sense if they really knew the church was true. There were the people that were so self-righteous that it made me wanna never speak to them again. When they stopped talking to my roommate because she got her nose pierced i wanted to scream at them. Did they really think that they were that much better than everyone else and that they wanted to everyone to know it?

Anyways, I have been thinking about this lately. Some of the things one of my friends has told me lately made me wonder how I am doing in living my own testimony. Sometimes I feel like I don't share my testimony enough and that there are more things that I can do to make sure I am a good example and that people will really know what I believe. But, I guess I have been thinking about it and I feel like for the most part, I am pretty happy with how I am doing these days. I have thought about it and I think that the people that I have learned the most from in my life are the people that showed me their testimony and were good examples for me did it in a quiet way. They were never flashy and judging. They just did what they knew was right because that's what they wanted to do, not because they wanted other people to know about it or see it. I hope that I have been living like that. I like the idea of being a quiet, simple example to those around me. I'm not saying that everyone around me should look to me for an example of what they should be doing but I would like to think that somehow, someway I can help at least someone. I never want people around me to think that I think I am better than them. I feel like one of the best things we can do in this life is be non-judgmental and accept people for who they are and really get to know them. I feel like when I have done this and really been able to get to know people it is at these times when I can most openly share my testimony with them and they are more apt to listen because they don't feel like I'm preaching to them. Not saying I'm perfect at this... just something I have been thinking about lately. I'm just going to try to continue on in my own personal quiet way doing what is right.

the final say

I have been thinking about daniel the last couple of days and i really couldn't figure out why for a while. i mean it wasn't like i was thinking about wanting to talk to him all the time or wanting to see him or wanting to be around him or anything like that. he has just been on my mind. today i was thinking about him again in church and i realized that it was just really strange to think that now that he is getting married that kind of puts a final end to the whole daniel and tyleen soap opera. nothing will ever happen again. nothing will ever be confusing. i won't ever let myself get caught up in it and get hurt. it really is done. and.... i am so happy about that. i haven't thought about daniel like that in probably over a year and i am glad he is getting married. sure i was a little wierded out when he told me he was getting married but i think that was just because i really just couldn't imagine daniel finally making a decision like that and moving forward. so today i decided to send him an email. over a year ago i wrote on this blog some things about daniel and the kind of girl i hoped he would find. well i decided to send it to him. the post i am talking about you can read here but i sent him that and then i wrote this:

so i thought i would share that with you. hopefully this girl does all of these things which i am sure she does if you want to marry her. i hope you know i really am happy for you. good job moving to this point in your life. I am going to miss knowing you're my friend that i know would be up for a good adventure anytime but i am glad you now have a permanent adventure buddy. thanks for all you taught me and thanks for helping me grow into the person i am now. i couldn't have learned a lot of really important things if it wasn't for you. hope you know that i am sorry if i ever caused you too much grief or stress. sometimes i was too much of a girl for even myself to handle :) but i really do wish you the best of luck and hope you are just so happy you can't believe it. this girl better be amazing cause you deserve it. love you my friend, and good luck.

maybe some people might think that was not an appropriate thing for me to send to someone who is engaged but who cares. i wanted him to know and its not like he's married yet. i really am grateful for all of the lessons i learned dealing with daniel. ya it was hell but i wouldn't be who i am today if i hadn't gone through it all. i really do want him to be happy and i think he finally is.

You talkin to me?

I think that there might be something about my personality that makes people comfortable telling me things. Lately there have been a lot of people that tell me all about their lives. I like that people feel like they can trust me. Sure, sometimes it is a little overwhelming because I want to be able to help people with the problems they tell me about but there isn't anything I can do other than listen. I guess listening is what they need most of the time so I am going to keep doing that. Hopefully it is helping and hopefully I am making some difference.

Basketball starts in a couple of weeks. I don't know if I am ready to be that busy again. Sure gonna love it. Hope it goes amazing.

not so good

today has been a crappy day and i dont even know why. nothing has happened or not happened. i have just felt out of it and upset all day. i have felt like crying at least once an hour. i only let it out once though. i don't know what is wrong with me. sundays are good because i get to go to church and feel the spirit and be around my ward which i really love but also, sundays are not good. while i am sitting in church that's all i'm doing. just sitting there listening, thinking, and being. there are not a lot of times in my life where that happens. i am usually always around people thinking about them and thinking about what i need to get done and what i am going to do next. i don't spend a lot of time thinking about me or doing things for me. so sundays are the day when i actually am kind of forced to think about my life and think about how i am doing and what i am doing. sometimes it can be really good because i get a lot of good reflection in and i feel like i make some good goals and discoveries. but, sometimes all of that thinking is discouraging. i start thinking about all of the things that i want in my life that i don't have and i just don't know how to fix it. i am happy with my life most of the time. i get to have a lot of fun doing a lot of things and i get to have a fun job that i enjoy most of the time and i have pretty good friends that i get to do fun things with. i am happy almost all of the time but for some reason, on days like today, i have a hard time being happy with how things are going. i am tired of being alone and i am tired of not having a boyfriend and someone to share my life with. i feel so alone sometimes. i just want someone to be there for me. i want someone to be there to support me. i like the fact that i get to do that for a lot of other people but sometimes i just need someone to do it for me. i need someone that i can count on instead of always being the one that people always count on. i know it will happen and i know it will happen in the Lord's time but i just get tired sometimes. i have been told in countless blessings that i just need to be patient and i will get everything that i righteously desire. i can wait and i can keep doing what i need to do.

catherine called me today at the most exact time that i needed to talk to someone that knows me and knows everything i have been through. i miss everyone from school a lot. i love when things happen like that. tender mercies.

tomorrow will be better. amazing what a good nights sleep will do.

Sleep

I have been really bad about going to bed lately. I can't make myself get into bed. I never have a problem falling asleep once I'm there, its just the getting there that's the problem. I can't figure out why because I have never had a problem in the past. When I'm tired, I go to bed. Well, unless there's something that HAS to be done then I don't but that hasn't really been the case. I just am up doing nothing. Talking, reading, on the computer, wasting time. I need to make myself get into bed so I don't die. This morning I came close...

accident

One of my student/basketball girls from last year got in a car accident this summer. She fell asleep on her way home from utah and rolled her car. She ended up 150 yards from the freeway down in a ravine. Search and rescue had to come and get her out and she was life-flighted to utah to the trauma center there. I was in Hawaii at the time and felt so helpless I almost couldn't handle it. Hate to admit it, but she is by far my most favorite student I have ever had and maybe ever will have. I was in shock. I found out that she broke her back in 5 places, broke almost every single one of her ribs, damaged her spline almost beyond repair, and broke her neck in 2 places. Everything about this accident should have left her either dead or paralized. Amazingly, she is neither. She had 2 major surgeries and is already walking around doing great. She has 2 metal rods up her back with screws everywhere. She said her x-rays look like there's a ladder running up her back. When search and rescue was cutting her out they accidently sliced her open about 5 times on her side. She is going to have more scars than anyone ever should.

She came to see me yesterday after school and she looks AMAZING. She still is wearing her brace that looks horribly uncomfortable and still is in a lot of pain but overall, I couldn't believe how good she looked. It was so nice to see her. I think the thing that made me most happy was she just looked happy. She has had to deal with quite a lot in her personal life and it always seemed like it was wearing on her but yesterday it was like she was so comfortable with her life and just content. It made me so happy to see that she has come out of this horrible accident with such a good attitude and doesn't complain about it. I mean sure some days she's told me she's tired of everything and just wants the pain to stop and for everything to be back to how it was but who wouldn't say that in this situation? I was actually a little jealous about how happy she was. Man this girl has changed my life more than she'll ever know. I'm so glad she made it and is doing so awesome.

you know me?

I am in the same ward I was in last year. I like being in a place where I already know people and they know me. It is so much easier to meet the new people when I have a foundation of the people who aren't new. I think that this is my year. I feel it. This is the year I am going to have so much fun that I won't even be able to contain myself! I already feel like I have more friends than I have in a while. I feel more comfortable with who I am and where I am in life. Its nice to feel secure.

working out

I decided about a week and a half ago that I needed to seriously do something. I am tired of being out of shape and weighing about 15-20 pounds more than I want to. I talked to my cousin who has kind of become a self-appointed health guru and has actually had a lot of success herself and with quite a few other people she has helped. She gave me her "diet" plan. I don't really want to call it a diet because you really eat 6 times a day. I guess you would say its a new way of eating. I tried to do it last week but was STARVING all the time. Not because I wasn't eating enough but I think because I was thinking about food all the time. I decided to give it a go another time and actually do the working out thing how I know I am supposed to. I went running this morning and thought I was going to die. Partially because I have spent all summer at really low elevations and now I am up really high and it makes it hard to breathe and mostly because I am just really out of shape. I felt kind of pathetic.

But anyways, I am going to do it for reals. I am going to get into shape, eat right, and lose the weight I feel like I need to. I don't want people to tell me "oh, you're not fat... you don't need to lose weight... what are you worrying about" things like that. I know I am not obese, I know I am ok how I am. But, I want to to be HEALTHY. I want to be the weight I know I can be because that's what I used to be. I will get back to where I want to be and I will do it in a healthy way.

Now all I gotta do is pick a reasonable date and the weight and set the goal. Here we go...

New Year

next week i start my second year of teaching. i think i am ready. this summer has been amazing. i don't think that i have ever done so many fun things in one summer in my entire life. maybe i will write about them sometime when I don't already have something else i want to write about. today i have been thinking a lot about starting fresh. one of the things that i have decided that i really like about teaching is that with the new school year it feels like i get to start over and fresh. i get to start new on life and attitude and routine and i just like that feeling. i think my life is ready for a little structure again. this summer has been so full of doing whatever i want whenever i want that it is actually starting to get old. no one depends on me to do anything. no one notices if i even get out of bed in the morning. so i'm ready for some responsibility again. this year is going to rock. i feel way more confident going into teaching this time. all of the first year unknowns are gone and i love that! i will never again have to say that this is my first year. people cringe when they hear that it feels like. so hear hear to a new year. its gonna be awesome.

hello?

Does anyone ever even check this thing anymore? i think that i am going to try to start writing again.

more

I think that I want to start writing on here more. I have realized in the last couple of weeks/months that I LOVE reading people's blogs. I like reading about people I know but I like finding people's blogs I don't know and getting to know them too. It is strange, I read a couple of people's blogs that I have never met, don't know anything about in real life but I feel like they are my friends. I don't even know for sure if the name that they use is their real name. But, I love hearing what they have to say about their lives. I love hearing about how they deal with things and how they live life. When I think about it, their kids some day are going to love reading about their moms being normal people and going through trials and having fun and figuring life out. I want to write more. I want to have my personality on "paper". I want to leave something of myself behind.

Figuring it out

I decided yesterday that I am figuring my life out. When basketball ended I had way too much time on my hands and I was starting to go insane. I was bored all the time and felt like I didn't have very many friends. In the past week or so I have forced myself to find things to keep myself busy and I like it. a lot. I have started hanging out with new people and just having fun when I get home. I am enjoying my life again. It feels good.

Also, when I start feeling bad for myself all I have to do is listen to the people around me and I realize that my life isn't so bad.

Friends?

Apparently he doesn't understand what being friends mean. Apparently we can't be friends. Apparently he is an idiot.

Daniel has been dating a girl for a couple of weeks and how did I find out about it?? FACEBOOK! Of all the freaking ways to find out that someone who I thought was one of my good friends is dating someone... I cannot think of a more insulting way. I hear all about his trip that he took down to who knows where on this dumb plane. I mean ALL about it. Except, he forgets to mention that he had his GIRLFRIEND with him. Man that is frustrating.

I guess I even have to stop being his friend. Lame.

Take Control

Monday I did some reflecting and decided it is time to take control of my life. Without going into detail because I don't have time right now (I will do it later I hope) I have turned things around and changed things. I even woke up at 5 this morning and worked out. Go me.

can't sleep

Ok first of all.... dang i am bad at writing on here. oh well, i'm going to start up again. i figure its my journal and i need to write more.

lately, I cannot sleep. i don't know why, but i wake up at least 4 or 5 times a night and just lay there. and, when i am sleeping i have horrible dreams. not super scary dreams but just dreams that stay with you all day and just kind of shake your reality. i hate it. i wish i knew what was going on in my body or more importantly my brain that is making this happen. if i had to guess... i think its because right now i am feeling a little lost in my life. basketball is over so i have WAY more time to do things that i did before. and, i'm back to the place where i need to decide what productive things i want to be doing so that my life feels full and productive. i think, ok i KNOW that i want to get into amazing shape again. I am just trying to decide the best way to do that. i think that i might want to run another marathon. but, i also know that my body needs to do more than just run so i might join a gym. yes, it is going to take a lot of my time to do all of this but guess what. i have time! so, today when school is over i'm doing some research and figuring out what i'm going to do and today is the first day i'm going to work out. my new life starts today.

well, maybe i'll write more about my life again soon. i feel done writing for now.

thinking

tonight i got a call from bre (the varsity basketball coach who i work with) and she said one of the girls needed us. of course i dropped what i was doing and went with her to go to this girls house to talk. she said that she didn't want to be at home anymore and wanted to leave and run away. this girl is a sophomore, she just turned 16. Now, yeah maybe life at home isn't that great, but where was she planning on going without a car and without money and without a plan. i guess her parents are pretty hard on her to be amazing. she feels like no matter what she does she isn't good enough. i feel bad for her because i remember feeling like that when i was in high school. why is it that girls have low self-esteem naturally. i know her parents love her and only push her because they want the best for her. i am sure that things aren't quite as bad as she thinks they are because i have talked to her parents and know them and know that they are pretty "normal" i think that she just is feeling picked on. i think that she is amazing. i wished i could have shown her how i see her through my eyes. then she would know how good she is at so many things and how she has so much potential in her life and the ability to help those around her. she has a natural ability to be friends with whoever she is around and people are drawn to her because of it. this made me start thinking about how the savior and our heavenly father must feel when we are down on ourselves. they know the great potential we all hold as a child of God. sometimes i forget that but when i take the time to really think about how much they must love me i am blown away.

wow, these girls are teaching me more than i ever thought possible. how grateful i am that they are in my life.

Its time for the new year

So i was reading my friend nick's blog and he did a recap of his year month by month and i thought it was pretty sweet so i want to do it too!

here goes... 2008, a pretty monumental year for me!

January: moved to Las Vegas where i didn't know a single soul in the whole state and started student teaching at Foothill High Shool in Henderson. Started to realize I needed to take some control of my life and told Daniel not to talk to me for a while and took him out of my phone.

February: Got REALLY sick, but had to keep teaching everyday so I would still be able to graduate. Went to utah to visit family and friends instead of going to rexburg to ski (a hard choice to make but the right one in the end)

March: Spring break! Cass came and visited Vegas and we wore ourselves out completely. Cut my head open on the cupboard door. Went to California to spend some time with the Youngbergs and just get away and relax.

April: GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE! moved to my parent's house in middleton, let daniel get in my head again when he and all of my friends came for mine and devin's graduation party. Tried unsuccessfully to find a summer job.

May: Finsihed dealing with daniel for hopefully the last time. Grandma Youngberg turned 90 and a million people came and stayed with us to celebrate. Continued looking for a job and finally gave in and applied to a temp agency

June: Went on a must needed trip to Utah. Applied for teaching jobs in utah and had lots of interviews. ended up going to rexburg and then stopping for an interview in american falls. Accepted a FULL-TIME REAL LIFE job to teach high school math in american falls.

July: Went to McCall, Idaho for the first clark limb family reunion. started the most intense work-out regime of my life and loved it. still no job... more horrible tortourious temp jobs.

August: Moved to Pocatello and dealt with finding a new place to live after learning that the place i planned was a dump. STARTED TEACHING!

September: Got called to be a counselor in the relief society presidency of the best singles ward i have ever been in. Started my teaching blog. Realized i have some really good good friends in my life and got to hang out with some of them again after i hadn't in a long time.

October: Really busy teaching. Took my first day off of work and went to Utah for halloween to spend it with my bro, sister and her family, and my parents (last weekend of freedom until feb because of basketball)

November: Started coaching the freshman girls basketball team at my high school. made some really good friends that i think i'll have for a long time. went home for thanksgiving and as usual, came back at the end more tired than when i got there. Busier than i have ever been in my entire life.

December: Still coaching and realized how much i really do love what i do. My basketball team finally won a game. went home for christmas and had fun with family minus karissa and toby because they are in africa! went to washington to be there for nick and cassidy's wedding (saw daniel and made it through the weekend mostly ok) had fun playing with zeke all day every day while at home.


Dang, when you look at it that way i had a pretty good monumental year. Graduated, got a job, started my new life. I hope 2009 is even better. I am going to post some of my resolutions on here soon!