remembering to be grateful

Last night was.... interesting.

I did not want to go to FHE at all but I forced myself to go. I decided I was going to go for the lesson only and then I would leave. Well, once I got there I found out that the activity was a service project of going around and collecting canned food for the salvation army and so I felt guilty leaving. I still was not in the mood to meet new people, to socialize, to do any of that typical fhe stuff. I decided to just go with my roommate and 2 other guy student teachers went with us too. I was glad, no new people, just do the project and get out of there. Well right as we were going to the cars a guy from our ward asked if he could fill our empty seat. This guy is a Sunday school teacher in my ward. Last Sunday my roommate leaned over and told me that she thought he was cute and that he and I would look good together. Immediately my answer was no, not my style. This guy is what I like to call a grade a wiener. Just your normal cheese ball. Well, he came with us and I must say, he turned out to be a pretty cool guy (still not someone I would be interested in - picture your byu, provo, popped collar guy and that's him) but I admit, my first impression was wrong. Something that I need to remember, don't judge people before actually getting to know them.

Well, I got home a lot later than I had planned and I still had to prepare my lesson for one of my math classes the next day. Some of my roommates were watching a movie so I decided to watch and plan. I got my books, notebook, laptop and sat on the couch. Before getting to work I checked my email and I had received a response to an email that I had written the night before. It was a very nice email and it made me feel good but at the same time it made me sad. For some reason lately my emotions have been close to the surface. I didn't want to have my roommates see me cry and have to explain so I just moved to my room to have some alone time to think and reflect. I realized that no matter what stage of life we are in we are always going to have challenge and change to deal with but that's ok. That is why we are here. I realized that the problems that I may have going on are really not that huge and I will get through them. And, once I have figured this stage of my life out, new problems and new changes will come along and I will have to deal with those and learn and keep going. This is what we do in life, over and over. But, I know that things will work out and that we will make it through our trials. I know that we are taught and people always say that we will never be given a challenge that we cannot handle. I don't know if I completely agree with that. Let me explain. I know that some of the things that have happened to me in my life I could not have made it through, on my own. On my own there is no way that I could make it through my trials without falling. But, I have been thinking lately, we do not have to do it on our own. We have been given the gift of the spirit, a loving savior, personal revelation and more gifts that we know from a loving Heavenly Father. And so, we don't have to make it through our trials on our own. We are given more help than we can imagine. We will never be given something that we cannot handle, without help. Sometimes, I forget that and try to do it on my own and I fail. It is at those times when I am most unhappy and make the least amount of progress. I love how things happen that make you remember important truths that somehow we forget as we go through every day life.

And so, basically, I am grateful for the email that made me start thinking about these things. I am grateful for people listening to the spirit and being a tool in our Heavenly Father's hand. I am grateful for important relationships that teach us things that we would have a hard time learning on our own.

New Goal

I have a new goal and I know that by writing goals down, and telling other people it is more likely that you will accomplish them. And so, my goal is this: I want to read the Book of Mormon every day for a year. I know that sounds lofty and like a huge task, but I think I can do it. I am not going to set an amount or time I have to read every day. I just have to read, every day, for 365 days. I have a chart that I can mark my progress off on. I think that this will make a huge difference in my life. I started today, and so, until February 23, 2009, I am going to read the book of mormon every day. Anyone who would like to join in on this challenge with me, please do. I know that it will change my life for the better.

alone time

This weekend I have relearned that I need alone time to be happy. All week I am surrounded by and in front of hundreds of high school students all day, then I come home to my roommates and neighbors and friends. I am always around people, having to talk and communicate. I have come to love driving to and from school by myself each day. It helps me prepare and to unwind. Even with this small amount of driving time, it sometimes is not enough. Today I drove by myself to an outlet mall that was about 25 minutes away that I had heard was pretty good. I spent a few hours there just walking around looking at stuff (and got a sweet hurley hoody for only 22 bucks- what a steal!) It was nice to be alone even though there were of course other people there, no one knew me and I was able to do just do my own thing. It is nice to have some reflecting time and to not talk. There are a few people in my life that even when I am around them I can still have reflecting time. There are people that you can just be with. No one has to say anything, no one has to entertain the other, you are just comfortable with each other that presence is enough. I really appreciate these friendships and relationships. I love to know that you can get to know someone well enough that you can just, be. And so, along this thought, I think I might stay home tonight, by myself, to get some alone time and just be happy enjoying me. (hopefully that doesn't sound cheesy)

enrichment

I feel like I am so ungrateful. Tonight I went to a stake enrichment activity. It was nice to be around older women. They just seem to bring wisdom to the room, even if they aren't necessarily saying anything. We got there right as it was supposed to start and the place was packed. I ended up sitting at a table with the stake president, his wife, and some other women from their ward. The stake first fed us amazing dinner and then put on an awesome play about the 10 virgins. It was quite the production with a detailed set and everything. That story made me reflect on my life and what I have been placing importance on. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and move onto more important things. Easier said than done I know but I do feel like I need to work on it. I am going to try to focus on doing better things with my time and bringing myself closer to the spirit. I am glad I took the time to go tonight. I am glad I had something happen that has caused me to refocus. It seems like everyonce in a while we all really need an out of the every day mundane life experience to wake us up again and get us going. I am thankful for enrichment for maybe the first time ever.

why

Why
Why is this so hard?
Why do I have to go through this?
Why do I still think about him everyday?
Why does it seem like everyone else has it easy?
Why is this so tiring?
Why doesn’t he care?
Why do I miss him so much?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Why did I let this happen?
Why does he still have control over me?
Why does no one understand?
Why do I have to feel so alone?
Why does it seem like it will never get easier?
Why does this not even seem real?
Why does he do the things that he does?
Why does it hurt so bad?
Why do I still love him?
Why

I talked to my sister today. I am happy that things are going well for her but at the same time, it made me sad. Sad for myself. Me, being so selfish, feels sorry for myself. Janiece has basically had a boyfriend for the past 4 or 5 years? She has gone maybe 3 or 4 months without one, ever. It is discouraging. Makes me wonder why I haven't had the same luck. Well I do know that for the past 2 1/2 years I have basically put myself in a box. But, nonetheless, I am tired of being alone. I want to feel needed and I want to need someone. I miss Daniel again today. This sucks.

Progress

I guess I have made more progress than I thought. So I didn't go to school today because I felt like crap, I couldn't talk and basically wanted to never move again. My body needed a day to recoup and so I did. I stayed in my bed most of the morning and afternoon just napping, watching movies, laying there, etc. Well one of the time I was sleeping I had a dream. This is what it was. I was back in Rexburg with everyone. Daniel had invited anyone that wanted to to go cross country skiing. I decided to go because cross country skiing was fun. Oh, he had invited some other girls too that I didn't know but I didn't care. Well, we were meeting in the Hart parking lot so I was there with Daniel and one of the other girls getting our stuff all ready. It had been a while and we were still waiting for someone to show up I think. Well, I started thinking and realized that I shouldn't go because I was trying to get over Daniel. And so, in my dream, I left. I just told them I decided I wasn't going and walked back to arbor cove because that's where everyone else was hanging out. I woke up right after that. Apparently my brain is really getting that I am doing this no matter what, even in my dreams. It still sucks and it is still hard a lot of the time but I can see how this is better for me.

I am starting to feel a little bit better after resting all day. I still don't know what one of my classes is going to do tomorrow and it’s almost 9 o'clock. Maybe it will be a day where I wing it. Who knows. I hope when I wake up tomorrow I feel even better. I need to be healthy so that when I go to Utah this weekend I don't get Zeke or anyone else sick. I'm excited to go to Utah and take a break from here. The end of this week mark the half way mark of student teaching. Pretty crazy!