it happened.

What a whirlwind the last couple of weeks have been. I feel like I have been through a lot. I guess I am just going to start at the beginning.

I got to my parents last Monday night. Janiece set a goal when she got engaged that she wanted to run a 5k before she got married. So, Tuesday morning we woke up and my dad mapped out a route and my family ran. It felt really good and I was glad that we got to do it. Then, Tuesday night we went to the temple for Janiece to go through. For some reason I was really nervous to go to the temple and was feeling like that the whole way there. But, as soon as we got there and i went in all of that feeling of anxiousness went away. It was probably the most comforting and enjoyable time that I have been yet which I guess isn't saying all that much because that was only the third time I have gone. It was good to be there with my family and just experience everything again.



I think I just want to go through this day by day.

Wednesday:

First thing in the morning we all woke up to watch the USA win their soccer game in the World Cup in a very dramatic finish. Then, we all ran around like our heads were cut off getting everything ready and packed. We made it out at 1:00 which was only one hour later than we planned. The drive was long and boring. I rode in the car with Zeke and Porter which actually went better than I thought it would. When we got into town we went to the high school because we were going to watch the high school girls team play a summer league basketball game but it ended up being canceled so we just hung out with our old coach cindy for a while. We got to walk around and see how much everything changed. I can't believe how fast time has gone and that I graduated from high school 7 years ago. We all stayed at Livingstons that night. It was so good to see them.

Thursday:

I went running first thing in the morning and it felt so good to run in Oregon again. After I got back I went with Janiece to get her nails done. I got a pedicure which I love. The rest of the day was spent relaxing, going to figure things out for the reception, and shopping. It was a pretty good day.

Friday:

We spent more time getting things ready and together for the wedding. I can't really remember what we did in the morning so it must not have been very exciting. Kendra's high school basketball team had a basketball tournament so we all went and watched their game at 5:00. They rocked it of course. Then we got to go over to the Myer's house to have a barbecue/swim party with the Willis family. It was so much fun just playing and laughing together. Zeke is a crazy animal in the water and just wanted to keep jumping off of the diving board over and over. We even all jumped off the roof! As soon as we got home we all passed out in front of a movie.

Saturday:

The big day. We had to wake up and go set up things for the reception before we got to go back and get ready for the day. Getting ready was a little chaotic. There was hair and girls everywhere. We made it to the temple in time though and they got married at noon. It was so nice to be able to go and be there with them. I am so glad that I never have to just wait outside again and I get to go in and feel the spirit of the temple and hear all of the wonderful blessings you can receive by being there. Janiece and Connor looked so happy. We had to take a million pictures when we came out.

We then headed over to the luncheon that the Willises put on. It was very nice and a lot of fun. And it helped that the food was delicious.

The reception was at the Farley's. It was fun being there with people that I haven't seen in a long time. Some of my friends were in town that I wasn't expecting to see so that was a lot of fun.

Ok, I need to take a break from the mundane details. I don't want to turn this into that. I have this blog to record my thoughts and feelings. Basically to sum things up without going through so much detail we got to see a lot of old friends and it was actually a lot moe fun being there than I thought it was going to be.

But now, my thoughts...

I thought a lot about my friends and the place that I grew up this week. I have been so blessed in my life to be able to have such amazing friends surrounding me and helping me. I can't even begin to imagine a better place to have grown up. I always had people surrounding me that I knew loved me and cared about me and would do anything for me. What could someone want more than that?

I thought a lot about my life and where its going and what I'm doing. I had times where I liked my life when I thought about it and times where I hated it. I have good things going on right now. I have good friends, a good job, a house, a certainty that I am where I am supposed to be. But, I am so ready for more. These last couple of weeks have made me realize that even more. I want to be happy like the people I see around me, the ones that are married and share their lives with someone. I know its going to happen for me. I just so wish I knew when.

Today it finally hit me that Janiece is married. We all went to see a movie and when we were leaving I realized it. They walked out in front of me holding hands and it hit me. Connor is Janiece's husband. They are always going to be a pair now, not just two people that are dating. It took a lot to not cry right then and there. I hated it. I am happy for them. But honestly it just sucks. Bad. I am feeling sorry for myself tonight. I can't really believe I held it off this long. But, I am glad that I did. I think Janiece suspects something is wrong and I so don't want that. Things will get easier once I get back home and back to my life. I am going home on Sunday morning. I need to start getting to know my new ward. Oh boy, I don't even want to start thinking about that....

I gotta stop this train of thought before it picks up too much speed.

Brent

My cousin Brent passed away last week. My mom called me while I was in Oregon and told me that while on a trip with his brother to Havasupi he somehow drowned. Brent was 30 years old. I don't think that it fully hit me until today that he was really gone. I didn't even cry until today. I read my cousin's blog (his sister) every single day. She has posted a lot of her feelings and todays made me feel like my guts were being pulled out through my belly button. I cannot imagine losing a sibling. I was thinking about that a lot today. My dad told me that two of Brent's brothers spoke at the funeral this morning. What a horrible thing to have to do at such a young age. Its not fair and should never happen but, it did. Brent was not active in the church but his family has some of the strongest members out there. What a blessing the perspective the gospel brings. I know that peace will eventually come for his family. They know the grand plan and that things will work out. But, that doesn't make it any easier right now. It pulls at my heart right now thinking about it. Brent was such a good person. He was an amazing brother, uncle, friend, son and cousin. He wasn't married and doesn't have kids. But what an amazing blessing he has been to his nieces and nephews.

I think that more than anything this whole experience has made me realize even more how important my family is to me. They are truly my best friends. My world would be over if I lost any of them. I am so grateful that some of the struggles I have had in the past with some of my siblings have passed by and we are friends again. I can't even think about what I would feel if I lost one of them and things weren't on good terms. I don't know how I would make it through that.

I feel like I am rambling.

My heart hurts, I just want to cry, and there is nothing else I can really say.

missing it

I keep dreaming about my friends from school. Some of them are good dreams, some aren't. I miss my friends. I loved how I was always myself around them and how not only was I myself but I felt secure with who I was. I think that one of the reasons that I was always willing to go out and do things and try new things with them was because they made me feel comfortable with myself. I wasn't scared to be myself or to look stupid. I was just me and that was ok. I feel like that now too but not as fully and securely as I always did with them. Yes, I have changed a lot since then but I think that it has been for the better. I like who I am now and I like my life but, I miss those times. I miss the laughing and the adventures and knowing that every day I had fun people to do things with.

she is getting married...

My little sister Janiece is getting married in a week and a half. She is marrying Connor. They have basically been in love since kindergarten. I think that everyone knew deep down that they would end up together. I am happy for them. But, how can I not be honest... it is hard. My little sister is getting married. My sister who is 2 1/2 years younger than me found someone when she was 5 years old and hasn't been alone since. Yes, it took them until Junior year of high school to actually "date". Yes, she dated other people while Connor was on his mission and had to deal with a couple of let-downs and break-ups. But, he has always been there for her. She has always had in the back of her mind that he was there, that they might end up together. And, they did. They are getting married for time and all eternity in the Portland Temple next Saturday. I don't think that this reality has actually hit me until I started writing this. My sister is going to be married. She is no longer going to be a Limb. She isn't going to be free to go on trips with me, to come home to visit whenever she wants, to go dance and go try to meet new people with me, to just be me and her and be sisters. She is going to have a husband, responsibility, another family. I am happy beyond happy for her. I love Connor and I am so glad that he is the one she is marrying. I am excited for him to be my brother and I am excited for how happy I know the two of them are going to be together.

But, I am sad. Sad to lose this stage of our lives that we have been able to live in for much longer than most, sad that she is moving away right after she gets married, sad that she is moving forward in her life with someone by her side and sad that I am still alone. Its a hard thing having your little sister get married before you. It actually is bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I think that people who don't know me very well think that I enjoy being single and that I have purposefully stayed unmarried. I haven't. I want to be married. I want to find someone that I can share everything with. I want to feel secure and safe. I want to be able to trust someone with my whole entire heart and soul and life and know that they aren't going to walk away and hurt me. I want to love someone. I want to know everything about someone and for them to know everything about me. I want to stop feeling empty. I want a lot of things. I know things are good and things will work out I just wish I knew when. I think if I knew how long I had to wait it would be easier to deal with the day to day problems and heartaches.

This post is turning into something I didn't expect....

I have learned something about myself in the last year. I hide my feelings. A lot. I hide them from other people and from myself. I have trained myself to push certain emotions to the very corner of my brain where I can't feel them anymore and certainly where other people can't see them. I don't even let myself process some things. I think that's why I didn't really feel the emotions of Janiece getting married until right now. I haven't let myself. Even now I can feel myself pushing it out of my thoughts. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to feel everything. I don't want to feel the hard feelings of some of the things that I have gone through. I don't want to remember the hurt. Going through it was enough, I don't want to relive it. I am glad I am good at not feeling emotion when I don't want to. But, sometimes I think its not a good thing. I don't like going through life numb.

I'll figure things out eventually. I have to.

I am wishing myself good luck on getting through the next two weeks. Time to paste on my smile and good mood so my sister doesn't worry about me. It is her time. I am happy for her. She is, and is going to be, so incredibly happy. Congratulations and good luck Neener. I love you.

workin out

Today I started working out again. I took 3 weeks off and let me tell you, that was a mistake. I am out of shape. Very out of shape. I have 4 weeks until Janiece's wedding and I am determined to go to Oregon in shape feeling good about myself. I need to buckle down, make a plan, and do it. So... here goes.

Uhh... this is going to be long.

I haven't been on here in a long long time. I have been too busy and I feel overwhelmed with how much has been going on in my life so I don't even know where to start. The last time I was on here I said that I was going to talk more about my birthday. Well, it came, it happened, and it left. I will talk more later. A few other things in my life: I bought a house, I went through the temple, I am one week away from finishing my 2nd year of teaching, I have learned more about myself and realized I am happy. So, I guess I am just going to go through things one at a time and see how far I get today.

My Birthday:
I went to work. A couple of my classes sang to me. It was sweet and nice of them. When I got home I worked out as fast as I could and then went to dinner. Me, Cassie, Amanda (roommate), Jordan (Amanda's fiance), Brock, and Tyson (both Jordan's roommates), Carrie and Tyson went to Craigos. It was delicious and I stuffed myself beyond belief. When we got back we were all so full that we just laid around for a while. Cassie and I played some cards and then Hilary and Jesse came over and we all had brownies and ice cream. It was a pretty good day. I still can't believe that I am 25. I realized that I have a lot of good friends. I got a lot of texts and phone calls and messages on facebook. It was a good birthday and I was happy.

Buying a house:
Ya, I bought a house. I still can't believe that it is mine. It is pretty close to where I lived before. I LOVE living here. It is a cute little house. It is just under 2000 square feet. Cassie and Carrie are living here with me and will continue to live here for next year. Also, a girl named Sasha is living here just for the summer. She is on the track team with Cassie. There are 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Upstairs there is a family room, 2 of the bedrooms, a bathroom, and the kitchen. Carrie and Sasha live up here. Downstairs in the basement there are the other 2 bedrooms and the bathroom. Also, a family room and laundry room. Cassie and I are down there. I was a little nervous about how things were going to go with all of us living here and some of the problems from the recent past but so far things have been pretty good. I feel like Cassie and I have become better friends and I have learned things about myself and what is important to me. I bought some couches that I love. I have a lawn to mow, a house to take care of, bills to pay. I feel like a responsible adult. And, I must say, I like it. I like having direction in life. I like feeling like I am moving forward in a positive direction. I like my life and I like living here. I hope to post some pictures soon of my house. I want to remember how it felt moving into my first house.

The first night after I moved in I slept here alone. I asked Cassie and Carrie to wait to stay here cause I just wanted to be here and let it soak in that I was in my house. MY house. It felt surreal. It was pretty overwhelming when I was looking at houses and going through the process of finding one and making an offer and all that. At times I was feeling a little down because finding your first house and making that huge life changing decision is not one I ever intended on doing on my own. I always pictured myself doing all of this with a husband and with a family. I felt alone and scared. But, I felt good and at peace about it so I moved forward and I am so glad that I did. I am supposed to be here and in this stage in my life. It has been a good experience so far and I expect a lot of good memories to be made in this house.

The temple:
Last Saturday I went through the temple. I wrote a lot about it in my journal today so I am not going to write much about it here but it was so good. I was really nervous to go because the unknown is hard for me. My family came into town and went with me. It was so good. There is still a lot for me to learn and I don't know if it is possible to ever learn everything but the feeling is good there and I am so glad that I made the decision to go. It has added perspective to my life and added direction and focus.

Teaching:
Our last day of school is this Thursday. I can't believe that I am finishing my second year of teaching. I remember being in school thinking that I was never even going to make it to graduation and now I have been done for 2 years. This year has been good. I can't even believe how much better it is to teach your 2nd year than your 1st. I like being in a place where I know what is going on. I like knowing the people I work with and I like knowing the students already. I feel like I was a better teacher this year. There are still some things that I need to work on to be even better but I feel good about how this year has gone. I have had struggles. I have had unbelievably hard days and weeks. But, I have made it through. I have learned things about how to handle difficult kids. I have learned how to deal with difficult coworkers. It has been a good year. But, I couldn't be happier that it is ending. I need summer vacation bad. My patience is running out and my students are getting extra whiny and needy. I am excited we only have this week left.

Things I have learned:
I guess I already knew this about myself but I have realized even more lately how important good friendships are to me. I have always been one that more than anything I want to surround myself with people I love and care about and I know care about me and build me up and help me be a better person.

I have been able to talk to Jordan Munns more lately. I miss him and cherish the friendship we have had. I am glad that we have been talking more and I am glad we get to remain close.

For the first time in my life I have a best friend. Cassie Merkley is the best friend that I have ever had. The other day I was thinking about the friends I have had in my life who I have considered to be my "best friends" along with other people I thought a lot about Daniel. He and the others were all really good friends. We cared about each other. Knew a lot about each other. Liked doing the same things. Had a lot of fun together. But, with mine and Cassie's friendship, it is more than that. I guess the difference between everyone else and Cassie is that our friendship is more balanced. Before, I have always felt like I cared more than the other person and that I put more of myself into the friendship than the other person. But I know Cassie genuinely cares. She is there for me no matter what. A couple of months ago I remember I was laying in bed after just having a conversation with Cassie about a fireside I had just been to. I shared my most inner and personal thoughts with her and we had a discussion about it. I couldn't believe after she left how comfortable and open I had been with her. I don't think that's happened with a girl and me ever. I sent her a text and I want to always remember it so I am going to type it in here because it really described my feelings at the time and now. "how undescribably grateful I am to have a friend that I feel comfortable enough with who I can truly trust my most personal thoughts and feelings and know there is no judging and no fear of betrayal and that even though complete understanding may not always be there I know you are there no matter what and that you always truly care. I cannot describe my feelings and thoughts right now. I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude for you have truly been a friend unlike any I have ever had. I will be eternally grateful for all you have done for me. I love you and I thank you for who you are and who you help me be." I am a better person because she is my friend and I couldn't be happier to have met her and become her friend.

Well, there is a lot more I could write about but I think that's all I have for now. I am going to try to write more on here especially this summer as I have more time to do more things for myself. But, mostly I guess I want to just convey that right now, my life is good. I feel good about things. I like how things are going. I am happy. And that is worth more to me than anything in the world.

Birthday

I had my birthday last week. I turned 25. I am not quite sure how I feel about being 25 yet but maybe soon I will be able to post what's going on with my life these days. Some pretty big changes along with a whole lotta not so exciting stuff. Someday soon...