I should be sleeping...

I should be laying down, closing my eyes, and going to sleep right now. But, I want to write something down so I don't forget. Last night I was talking to Cassie about life and I came to a realization of why I feel like I am tired of teaching lately. I think that for maybe the first time, I truly feel ready to get married. I feel like I am ok with who I am enough that I can find someone that will best compliment my personality and how I want to live my life. I think that before i was so confused that I wouldn't have been able to figure out what I wanted or needed and in the end that wouldn't have been good. But, now.... I know who I am, I know where I am in my life, and I know where I want to end up. And ultimately, I want to end up being a wife and a mother. I think that as I hear about more of my friends getting married and having babies and being moms and doing that "season" of their life makes me ready for it too. And so that's why I think teaching is wearing on me. I know I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I know that it is not my purpose or my goal or what I want to be truly happy. But, I also know that this is where I am and this is what I need to be happy doing for right now. I know that things will happen eventually and that when it does I will realize how worth the wait it has been. All I have to say is that this guy, no matter who he is, better be pretty dang amazing and love me more than life itself.

Now what?

I feel like I need to change something in my life. I don't know what it is or why I feel that way or I feel like I do need to but I do. I don't feel motivated to teach anymore. I don't know what it is but I just don't want to plan lessons and I don't want to deal with students and I don't want to wake up and drive to work. And I am just unmotivated. I don't know what it is. I am not sure if I would feel the same way if I had a different job or if it would be better. I think that the thing that is most wearing on me is the fact that I don't ever get to not be thinking about or doing or worry about work. How many other jobs are like that? I don't really know. But it is always in the back of my head and I am always worrying about students and lessons and things like that. I love coaching. I wish that I could just coach and that be it. I think that one of the reasons I started thinking about teaching is because over Christmas break Devin was talking a lot about how he was probably going to start a hospice and he said he wanted me to come work for him. I don't remember what he said the actual title would be but I do know that he basically wants me to run the office and paperwork part of the company. He told me how much he would pay me even and its more than I make now. And, he said that if I found a coaching job I could leave work early to go and coach. I am not sure how much I would like that but if I could do it today I think I would. I just wish that I didn't feel so burnt out. I don't even have my lessons for tomorrow planned yet and I don't even care that much even though I really should. I just don't know. I just need to figure out what I am supposed to do now.

2009!!!

So I thought I was going to start being better about writing on here more but I guess that was just wishful thinking. My life, believe it or not, is even busier than it was a month ago. January is always a crazy month. We have to start practicing late now so I have really really long days. Life for the most part is good though. I can't complain. I have been thinking about last year and want to do another year in review. I'm not sure if I will be able to remember things very well but I'm going to try. Here it goes...

January: Still coaching the Freshman Girls basketball team, learning how much I love the girls and am willing to do anything for them (even go to one of the girls house when she was going to run away to talk her out of it). Continued my calling of the Relief Society's 2nd counselor.

February: Not too exciting of a month. Finished coaching. Remembered what it was like to have free personal time again. Decided I needed to get into shape and started exercising again.

March: Started having more fun and making more friends. Spring break came but was only Thursday, Friday, Monday so I just went home and spent time there not doing anything too exciting.

April: Turned 24. Bought myself my own Birthday present (Chaco sandals) Realized everyone was going to be leaving soon when ISU's semester ended. Started playing more and having more fun. Realized how fast the year was really flying by.

May: Moved in with Erica Bradshaw when all of my roommates left for the summer. Watched Erica and Shaun play softball in the evenings because I actually had time. Ran more.

June: FINISHED MY FIRST YEAR OF TEACHING!!! Went to Utah for a few days when school got out to visit Karissa's family and Trent but had to come home earlier than planned because my allergies were so bad I thought I was going to die. Left for a 3 WEEK trip to HAWAII!!!!!

July: Spent the 4th in Hawaii laying on the beach and soaking up the sun. Jess (basketball girl who graduated last year) got in a very serious car accident and luckily survived. Came back just in time for Devin to get MARRIED to Cortney! Left on a 2 week vacation with my family (Dad, Mom, Jenica, Kendra and Janiece came for the Vegas/Youngberg part) which included: 7 peaks, Bryce Canyon, Zion's national park, the Grand Canyon, Vegas, Youngbergs, the beach, Six Flags, LA, Hollywood, San Francisco, China Town, Yosemite National park, and a whole lot of riding in the car.

August: Finally made it back to Pocatello after having been gone for basically the whole summer. Got ready to start teaching my 2nd year in American Falls. Got called to be the activities Co-chair in my ward (the best singles ward I've ever been in)

September: The school year is under way and I realize how much better and easier the 2nd year of teaching is going to be. Start training for a half marathon with Trent Devin and Cortney. Started becoming better friends with one of the best friends I've had. (Cassie Merkley)

October: Took a day off of work to go visit Janiece and Jenica in Rexburg and just take a break before basketball starts again. Played and played as much as I could. Ran and ran and ran.

November: Started coaching the JV girls basketball team. Ran in a half marathon with Devin Jenica and Cortney. Went home for Thanksgiving and had some much needed relaxation after one of the hardest weeks ever right before break. (I almost had a meltdown, seriously)

December: More basketball. I feel like all I do is work and coach and sleep very little. Survived until Christmas break. Went home where I got to spend 2 weeks. Our entire family was there for Christmas and we all had so much fun. Cassie came and spent the week after there and we all learned how to crochet. I made the coolest hat ever! Spent New Year's at home playing games.

Wow, what a year. Its hard to believe all of that was just one year. Its amazing how much can happen in just 365 days isn't it? I guess I had a pretty good year when I think about everything that I got to do!

tired and cold

I worked for 17 hours yesterday and by the time i get home tonight it will be a 10.5 hour day. and when i was driving to work today it was 10 below zero. I am tired and cold.... and cranky.

Half Marathon

I am FINALLY writing about my half marathon...

I so did not know what I had gotten myself into going into this race. This should give you an idea of how hard this was:




just check out that elevation chart at the bottom. I mean could there be any more hills?? It was so hard and I even had to walk up that last hugely steep hill for a while. But.... it was so much fun!

I had so much fun running with my family. I am really glad that I did it. I honestly believe that it was this race that saved mine and Devin's relationship. Even though we were really close growing up over the past couple of years we have had our battles and both have said things that were not nice and I can definitely say I thought things were never going to get better. But, training for this brought us together. And I couldn't be happier about it.

We all decided that we want to do another one. The half marathon length was just perfect. When I ran my full marathon 4 1/2 years ago I made a goal I would run one every 5 years. That would mean I need to do one next summer... We'll see how that all goes.

I do love running. It is so freeing and just makes me feel good. I wish I had more time during basketball season to run. But, I am just so dang tired when I get home. I am going to get into insane shape as soon as basketball ends. Mark my words.

I wish I could add pictures but I am at work and all my pictures are at home.

Oh, and I ran my half marathon on Saturday. Maybe when I am in a better mood I will write about it

I am TIRED

Another one of my close girl friends told me she got engaged this weekend. I am happy for her, really like the guy, think they'll be good together but... I feel like crap. I am tired of being excited for other people. I am tired of being patient and trying to stay positive and tired of acting like it doesn't bother me that I'm not married. I am tired of meeting losers. I am tired of people telling me they have someone they want me to meet. I am tired of getting crap for still being single. I am tired of people telling me how great it is to be married. I am tired of people telling me they are surprised I'm not even dating. I am tired of wishing I could be a wife and someday a mom. I am just tired. period.

Days like this suck. I don't like feeling sorry for myself. I don't like crying myself to sleep and then waking up in the same mood while I try to act like everything is ok. I feel like I just want to start running and go and go and go til I can't go anymore. Maybe I will. Tomorrow better be better than today.