Oh, and I ran my half marathon on Saturday. Maybe when I am in a better mood I will write about it

I am TIRED

Another one of my close girl friends told me she got engaged this weekend. I am happy for her, really like the guy, think they'll be good together but... I feel like crap. I am tired of being excited for other people. I am tired of being patient and trying to stay positive and tired of acting like it doesn't bother me that I'm not married. I am tired of meeting losers. I am tired of people telling me they have someone they want me to meet. I am tired of getting crap for still being single. I am tired of people telling me how great it is to be married. I am tired of people telling me they are surprised I'm not even dating. I am tired of wishing I could be a wife and someday a mom. I am just tired. period.

Days like this suck. I don't like feeling sorry for myself. I don't like crying myself to sleep and then waking up in the same mood while I try to act like everything is ok. I feel like I just want to start running and go and go and go til I can't go anymore. Maybe I will. Tomorrow better be better than today.

Sunday is a thinking day

Sunday is a thinking day. I think I am too busy during the week and have too many other things on my mind to think much about my own life. Church today was so good. It was ward conference so everything was done by the bishopric and stake leaders. I love days that make me take the time to think about the things that are truly important in life. Overall, I am pretty happy with how my life is going these days. I have a good job, I have good friends, I finally have the time and resources to help people as much as I want to. It feels good to feel good. For too long in my life I was depressed and wanted to just get to the next stage of my life but now, I have learned to be happy where I am, doing what I am doing. Last Christmas my family picked a theme for the year and it was "Be Happy Now". I am really glad that I have been able to focus on that this year because it really does make the biggest difference in my life when I focus on this and I am happy with what I am doing now.

Yes, sometimes I do wish I was married and could start a family and get to do all of the things that I see my family and friends doing but right now, I have different things I need to accomplish. And, I am happy about it. I am glad Sundays are thinking days because today, I realize, life is good.

In a quiet way

I remember thinking about the way that people live the gospel in their lives when I lived in Provo. There were so many different displays of people's beliefs and testimonies that it made me think about how I showed what I truly believed in my every day life.

I think that was maybe one of the main reasons provo and I didn't mesh was because there were too many different people living life in ways that didn't make sense to me. There were the people that showed up to church on Sunday and that was pretty much it. Throughout the week I saw and heard of them doing things that made no sense if they really knew the church was true. There were the people that were so self-righteous that it made me wanna never speak to them again. When they stopped talking to my roommate because she got her nose pierced i wanted to scream at them. Did they really think that they were that much better than everyone else and that they wanted to everyone to know it?

Anyways, I have been thinking about this lately. Some of the things one of my friends has told me lately made me wonder how I am doing in living my own testimony. Sometimes I feel like I don't share my testimony enough and that there are more things that I can do to make sure I am a good example and that people will really know what I believe. But, I guess I have been thinking about it and I feel like for the most part, I am pretty happy with how I am doing these days. I have thought about it and I think that the people that I have learned the most from in my life are the people that showed me their testimony and were good examples for me did it in a quiet way. They were never flashy and judging. They just did what they knew was right because that's what they wanted to do, not because they wanted other people to know about it or see it. I hope that I have been living like that. I like the idea of being a quiet, simple example to those around me. I'm not saying that everyone around me should look to me for an example of what they should be doing but I would like to think that somehow, someway I can help at least someone. I never want people around me to think that I think I am better than them. I feel like one of the best things we can do in this life is be non-judgmental and accept people for who they are and really get to know them. I feel like when I have done this and really been able to get to know people it is at these times when I can most openly share my testimony with them and they are more apt to listen because they don't feel like I'm preaching to them. Not saying I'm perfect at this... just something I have been thinking about lately. I'm just going to try to continue on in my own personal quiet way doing what is right.

the final say

I have been thinking about daniel the last couple of days and i really couldn't figure out why for a while. i mean it wasn't like i was thinking about wanting to talk to him all the time or wanting to see him or wanting to be around him or anything like that. he has just been on my mind. today i was thinking about him again in church and i realized that it was just really strange to think that now that he is getting married that kind of puts a final end to the whole daniel and tyleen soap opera. nothing will ever happen again. nothing will ever be confusing. i won't ever let myself get caught up in it and get hurt. it really is done. and.... i am so happy about that. i haven't thought about daniel like that in probably over a year and i am glad he is getting married. sure i was a little wierded out when he told me he was getting married but i think that was just because i really just couldn't imagine daniel finally making a decision like that and moving forward. so today i decided to send him an email. over a year ago i wrote on this blog some things about daniel and the kind of girl i hoped he would find. well i decided to send it to him. the post i am talking about you can read here but i sent him that and then i wrote this:

so i thought i would share that with you. hopefully this girl does all of these things which i am sure she does if you want to marry her. i hope you know i really am happy for you. good job moving to this point in your life. I am going to miss knowing you're my friend that i know would be up for a good adventure anytime but i am glad you now have a permanent adventure buddy. thanks for all you taught me and thanks for helping me grow into the person i am now. i couldn't have learned a lot of really important things if it wasn't for you. hope you know that i am sorry if i ever caused you too much grief or stress. sometimes i was too much of a girl for even myself to handle :) but i really do wish you the best of luck and hope you are just so happy you can't believe it. this girl better be amazing cause you deserve it. love you my friend, and good luck.

maybe some people might think that was not an appropriate thing for me to send to someone who is engaged but who cares. i wanted him to know and its not like he's married yet. i really am grateful for all of the lessons i learned dealing with daniel. ya it was hell but i wouldn't be who i am today if i hadn't gone through it all. i really do want him to be happy and i think he finally is.

You talkin to me?

I think that there might be something about my personality that makes people comfortable telling me things. Lately there have been a lot of people that tell me all about their lives. I like that people feel like they can trust me. Sure, sometimes it is a little overwhelming because I want to be able to help people with the problems they tell me about but there isn't anything I can do other than listen. I guess listening is what they need most of the time so I am going to keep doing that. Hopefully it is helping and hopefully I am making some difference.

Basketball starts in a couple of weeks. I don't know if I am ready to be that busy again. Sure gonna love it. Hope it goes amazing.

not so good

today has been a crappy day and i dont even know why. nothing has happened or not happened. i have just felt out of it and upset all day. i have felt like crying at least once an hour. i only let it out once though. i don't know what is wrong with me. sundays are good because i get to go to church and feel the spirit and be around my ward which i really love but also, sundays are not good. while i am sitting in church that's all i'm doing. just sitting there listening, thinking, and being. there are not a lot of times in my life where that happens. i am usually always around people thinking about them and thinking about what i need to get done and what i am going to do next. i don't spend a lot of time thinking about me or doing things for me. so sundays are the day when i actually am kind of forced to think about my life and think about how i am doing and what i am doing. sometimes it can be really good because i get a lot of good reflection in and i feel like i make some good goals and discoveries. but, sometimes all of that thinking is discouraging. i start thinking about all of the things that i want in my life that i don't have and i just don't know how to fix it. i am happy with my life most of the time. i get to have a lot of fun doing a lot of things and i get to have a fun job that i enjoy most of the time and i have pretty good friends that i get to do fun things with. i am happy almost all of the time but for some reason, on days like today, i have a hard time being happy with how things are going. i am tired of being alone and i am tired of not having a boyfriend and someone to share my life with. i feel so alone sometimes. i just want someone to be there for me. i want someone to be there to support me. i like the fact that i get to do that for a lot of other people but sometimes i just need someone to do it for me. i need someone that i can count on instead of always being the one that people always count on. i know it will happen and i know it will happen in the Lord's time but i just get tired sometimes. i have been told in countless blessings that i just need to be patient and i will get everything that i righteously desire. i can wait and i can keep doing what i need to do.

catherine called me today at the most exact time that i needed to talk to someone that knows me and knows everything i have been through. i miss everyone from school a lot. i love when things happen like that. tender mercies.

tomorrow will be better. amazing what a good nights sleep will do.