enrichment

I feel like I am so ungrateful. Tonight I went to a stake enrichment activity. It was nice to be around older women. They just seem to bring wisdom to the room, even if they aren't necessarily saying anything. We got there right as it was supposed to start and the place was packed. I ended up sitting at a table with the stake president, his wife, and some other women from their ward. The stake first fed us amazing dinner and then put on an awesome play about the 10 virgins. It was quite the production with a detailed set and everything. That story made me reflect on my life and what I have been placing importance on. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and move onto more important things. Easier said than done I know but I do feel like I need to work on it. I am going to try to focus on doing better things with my time and bringing myself closer to the spirit. I am glad I took the time to go tonight. I am glad I had something happen that has caused me to refocus. It seems like everyonce in a while we all really need an out of the every day mundane life experience to wake us up again and get us going. I am thankful for enrichment for maybe the first time ever.

why

Why
Why is this so hard?
Why do I have to go through this?
Why do I still think about him everyday?
Why does it seem like everyone else has it easy?
Why is this so tiring?
Why doesn’t he care?
Why do I miss him so much?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Why did I let this happen?
Why does he still have control over me?
Why does no one understand?
Why do I have to feel so alone?
Why does it seem like it will never get easier?
Why does this not even seem real?
Why does he do the things that he does?
Why does it hurt so bad?
Why do I still love him?
Why

I talked to my sister today. I am happy that things are going well for her but at the same time, it made me sad. Sad for myself. Me, being so selfish, feels sorry for myself. Janiece has basically had a boyfriend for the past 4 or 5 years? She has gone maybe 3 or 4 months without one, ever. It is discouraging. Makes me wonder why I haven't had the same luck. Well I do know that for the past 2 1/2 years I have basically put myself in a box. But, nonetheless, I am tired of being alone. I want to feel needed and I want to need someone. I miss Daniel again today. This sucks.

Progress

I guess I have made more progress than I thought. So I didn't go to school today because I felt like crap, I couldn't talk and basically wanted to never move again. My body needed a day to recoup and so I did. I stayed in my bed most of the morning and afternoon just napping, watching movies, laying there, etc. Well one of the time I was sleeping I had a dream. This is what it was. I was back in Rexburg with everyone. Daniel had invited anyone that wanted to to go cross country skiing. I decided to go because cross country skiing was fun. Oh, he had invited some other girls too that I didn't know but I didn't care. Well, we were meeting in the Hart parking lot so I was there with Daniel and one of the other girls getting our stuff all ready. It had been a while and we were still waiting for someone to show up I think. Well, I started thinking and realized that I shouldn't go because I was trying to get over Daniel. And so, in my dream, I left. I just told them I decided I wasn't going and walked back to arbor cove because that's where everyone else was hanging out. I woke up right after that. Apparently my brain is really getting that I am doing this no matter what, even in my dreams. It still sucks and it is still hard a lot of the time but I can see how this is better for me.

I am starting to feel a little bit better after resting all day. I still don't know what one of my classes is going to do tomorrow and it’s almost 9 o'clock. Maybe it will be a day where I wing it. Who knows. I hope when I wake up tomorrow I feel even better. I need to be healthy so that when I go to Utah this weekend I don't get Zeke or anyone else sick. I'm excited to go to Utah and take a break from here. The end of this week mark the half way mark of student teaching. Pretty crazy!

That is sick

I am sick. Not like sniffle my nose every once in a while, full on sick. I don't like breathing. Every time I breathe I cough, every time I cough I get a sharp shooting pain down my chest and my head throbs. My voice sounds like a puberty turning boy. Not a very good thing for a teacher, especially a PE teacher. How in the world am I supposed to yell instructions out if I can hardly talk? Today I made other girls yell my instructions. My math students were pretty understanding and stayed extra quiet today, thank goodness. I think it’s going to be rough getting better because I am not sleeping well and tomorrow for the second day in a row I have to be awake by 4:30. 4:30!!! AND! To top it all off, either tomorrow or Friday my university supervisor is coming to observe and evaluate my teaching. I hope he is lenient. Well, off to do lesson plans. Sorry this is all complaining.

Thursday...

Weekdays are better than weekends. I like how busy things are when I am going to school. Hard to believe its already a week into February. Time is going by fairly quickly. I am excited to get out of here next weekend and take a much needed break. I hope that this weekend is better than the last. Its supposed to be in the 60's so I want to go and do something outside. I am tired from waking up early so I am glad Friday is tomorrow and then I have two days of sleeping in. mmmm.... sleep. i am going to go and sleep right this minute.

trip

I am trying to decide if I should go to Rexburg over the 3 day weekend. It would be a lot of fun to see everyone and nice to take a break from teaching and all of that but I'm nervous about what seeing daniel would do to my ever so small amount of progress I have made in that area. I still miss him and think about him every single day. Weekends are harder than ever. Since people here don't know him or anything about that part of my life its like he doesn't exist here and I miss something that isn't real. Except my hurting is very real. Also, will going to Rexburg make me sad because everyone has had so much happen already that I haven't been a part of and I will just feel out of the loop? I miss everyone. I guess that's what happens in life though. You get close to people but eventually things change. You can still be close but it will always be different and things can never be like they were.

Cass misses Jared a lot and I feel bad for both of them. Giving up your best friend sucks. I was looking at Jared's blog the other day and he changed the songs that play and the first ones are now all about a girl leaving, or a girl choosing the other guy, or wanting a girl to come back to you. It made me sad to feel his pain through music. I wish I could talk to him and make him feel better but I don't know what I would say and I don't want to hurt cass more by talking to him when she can't. Maybe I'll just find a way to let him know that I've been thinking about him and praying for his happiness.

I don't think that Daniel even thinks about me or misses me. He is busy and if something isn't right in front of him he doesn't think about it. It hurts to think that someone that I care so much about can just place me in a little part of his brain and be done when he wants to be. Why is it so easy for him? I wish it were that easy for me.

Well the plan is to sleep in as long as humanly possible before church starts at 1 tomorrow. Who am I kidding, even though I'm going to bed at almost 2 I bet my body wakes up at 8:30 at the latest. This new schedule my body is on makes me feel like an old woman.