she is getting married...

My little sister Janiece is getting married in a week and a half. She is marrying Connor. They have basically been in love since kindergarten. I think that everyone knew deep down that they would end up together. I am happy for them. But, how can I not be honest... it is hard. My little sister is getting married. My sister who is 2 1/2 years younger than me found someone when she was 5 years old and hasn't been alone since. Yes, it took them until Junior year of high school to actually "date". Yes, she dated other people while Connor was on his mission and had to deal with a couple of let-downs and break-ups. But, he has always been there for her. She has always had in the back of her mind that he was there, that they might end up together. And, they did. They are getting married for time and all eternity in the Portland Temple next Saturday. I don't think that this reality has actually hit me until I started writing this. My sister is going to be married. She is no longer going to be a Limb. She isn't going to be free to go on trips with me, to come home to visit whenever she wants, to go dance and go try to meet new people with me, to just be me and her and be sisters. She is going to have a husband, responsibility, another family. I am happy beyond happy for her. I love Connor and I am so glad that he is the one she is marrying. I am excited for him to be my brother and I am excited for how happy I know the two of them are going to be together.

But, I am sad. Sad to lose this stage of our lives that we have been able to live in for much longer than most, sad that she is moving away right after she gets married, sad that she is moving forward in her life with someone by her side and sad that I am still alone. Its a hard thing having your little sister get married before you. It actually is bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I think that people who don't know me very well think that I enjoy being single and that I have purposefully stayed unmarried. I haven't. I want to be married. I want to find someone that I can share everything with. I want to feel secure and safe. I want to be able to trust someone with my whole entire heart and soul and life and know that they aren't going to walk away and hurt me. I want to love someone. I want to know everything about someone and for them to know everything about me. I want to stop feeling empty. I want a lot of things. I know things are good and things will work out I just wish I knew when. I think if I knew how long I had to wait it would be easier to deal with the day to day problems and heartaches.

This post is turning into something I didn't expect....

I have learned something about myself in the last year. I hide my feelings. A lot. I hide them from other people and from myself. I have trained myself to push certain emotions to the very corner of my brain where I can't feel them anymore and certainly where other people can't see them. I don't even let myself process some things. I think that's why I didn't really feel the emotions of Janiece getting married until right now. I haven't let myself. Even now I can feel myself pushing it out of my thoughts. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to feel everything. I don't want to feel the hard feelings of some of the things that I have gone through. I don't want to remember the hurt. Going through it was enough, I don't want to relive it. I am glad I am good at not feeling emotion when I don't want to. But, sometimes I think its not a good thing. I don't like going through life numb.

I'll figure things out eventually. I have to.

I am wishing myself good luck on getting through the next two weeks. Time to paste on my smile and good mood so my sister doesn't worry about me. It is her time. I am happy for her. She is, and is going to be, so incredibly happy. Congratulations and good luck Neener. I love you.