So I tried to write a post earlier because I felt like I needed to get some things out but I didn't know where to start. It didn't work and I think I only wrote 2 lines before closing it. But, here's what I have now. I did it again. Catherine asked me on Saturday what was going on with Daniel. I told her I didn't know. She asked if we had kissed. I said yes and I knew that she and others probably thought I was stupid. She said that she just didn't understand. I didn't have an answer for her at the time but this is what I've come up with since then.
I love Daniel. Simply and undeniably, I love him and never have been able to get him out of my heart. When I was in Rexburg a few weeks ago I thought that there was no way that I would ever give Daniel a chance again. I thought I was finally done. Apparently I forgot to tell my heart. When Daniel got here, I was fine. Then we kissed. I thought about it when I was going to sleep that night and again in the morning. I wondered if I was being stupid. The answer I came up with was of course I was being stupid. But, after some thought, I realized that I love Daniel and even though there was a probably 95 percent chance I would get hurt again I could not make myself walk away. I had to see. I had to risk it again on the small chance that things had changed. I had to put myself out there for the love that I cannot explain to anyone, not Daniel, not even myself. Sometimes I wonder if I just love the feeling of love or if it is more. I know it is more than just for the excitment of being in love. I love him, every single thing that I see him do, say and think just makes me love the person he is even more. I know he's been stupid and even treated me like crap in the past. But for some reason, he's everything I want. I can't imagine a better life than the one I would have with Daniel. I know no one understands that, but I can't seem to let him out of my heart.
I know people say that there's nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you back. I don't think that's true. It is worse to love someone who does love you back but who still doesn't want to be with you and can't even give you one reason why.
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2 comments:
this post made me ache i am so very very sorry tyleen
Tyleen, I don't think you sounds stupid and I think it is great you can express yourself so well with words. And no, it doesn't sound cheesey. It sounds like quite the emotional battle, not roller coaster (as I usually call it.) And the worst part is. . . I can't just fix it for you. And I can't just tell you what I would do because it isn't me, and Daniel is very intense and different that I have no idea because he is so unpredictable yet predictable. (From my observations of the situations.) Anyway, I hope you work things out inside yourself and with him. Just think though . . . if you are having this hard of a time. . . then he probably is too. You know what you want, he has no clue. I don't know what I can say to help comfort or help you. But I am glad you shared these frustrations and feelings. I am sorry that the past week turned out the way that it did. You will find someone that loves you the way you love Daniel. Whether it will be Daniel or some handsome chap . . . . .
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