sunday

Sunday was a hard day. I cried harder and longer than I have in a really long time. I went to the CES fireside. The ENTIRE thing was about being married and how to be married and how to have an amazing marriage and how to treat your spouse and how to love each other and how to keep things happy and working and how to continue dating each other and on and on and on about it. Needless to say, it wasn't the easiest thing to sit through. I didn't even wear my contacts on Monday cause my eyes still hurt and I still had a headache.

And to top it all off I can't sleep. I have been awake at either 4 or 4:30 in the morning every day since before school started. It is getting old and I am just getting more and more tired every single day.

Cry my eyes out.

Do you ever feel like you need to watch a movie so that you can cry your eyes out? Maybe its because crying for something fictional and for people who aren't real and aren't you and it just might make you feel better. I am not sure of the reason but it seems like sometimes I just need to cry but at the same time I don't want to think about the parts of my life that make me feel like that so I just want to cry for some other, meaningless to real life, reason. I think tomorrow when I get home I might just put in a movie in my room and have a good cry.

Have things happened to make me feel like this? yes. Am I ready to deal with them enough to write about them? no. Maybe someday. And maybe I will just bottle this up all inside and hope it never escapes because I can't even explain how sick and tired I am of feeling sorry for myself.

numb.

I am numb. I have been thinking lately about my life and how I react to things and process things and I have come to the conclusion that I am numb. I don't allow myself to feel my emotions. I think I have talked about this a little on here before but its been on my mind a lot lately so I guess I have more I need to get out.

For the past couple of months I haven't been able to feel like myself. I don't laugh as much as I used to. I don't feel like getting out and doing much. I would much rather just be alone doing something mundane. What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel like the person I so fully want to be and who I have worked so hard to become? Who is this person that has been living my life since summer began? Its not me, and I don't like it.

Is it because there are so many things in my life that I don't like and don't want to feel and don't want to think about? I don't even know if I have let myself realize all of the things I have been dealing with and that I want to change.

I already went on and on in my last post about Janiece getting married. It still is hard to think about and hasn't gotten any easier. If anything, the more time that passes and the more the reality of it sinks in, the harder it is. I am just so scared that everyone around me is going to keep finding people to marry and I am going to be left in the dust, all by myself. Its not a good feeling to feel alone and I feel that way too much these days. I am tired of going through life alone. I need someone else who cares about me and cares about what I do every day. And mostly, I need to care about someone else. My life is too self-centered and I hate it.

I started attending my new ward and let's just say I have been less than thrilled about it. I think I cried 6 different times the first Sunday. I don't want to change wards. I don't want to start going to a new singles ward where I have to meet all new people and re-establish who I am. I don't want to deal with what it implies in my life. Once again I am moving forward alone. I just don't want to do it. I got called to be the FHE coordinator. Why of all callings did I have to get that one? I have struggled with FHE my entire life. I don't know why, but I have never really enjoyed it. I know its a good thing and I can see how it blesses lives and that's why I have been faithful in attending for the past 2 years since I moved here but why do I have to be in charge of it? Its the last thing I want to do. But, I accepting the calling and am going to do it whether I like it or not. Once again I will force myself not to think about being miserable and just do what I have to do.

I guess its finally time to admit that I like (or is it already now liked?) Jordan. I didn't think that I was ever going to post that on here. It wasn't something I ever planned on shouting to the world. But, if I am going to try to start actually feeling things again I need to admit things to myself. Even before Jordan got home from his mission, almost two years ago, I started wondering about him. I remembered how we used to always fight and argue and he would sometimes drive me crazy. But, I also remembered that I have never been treated with such respect and love as I was with him. I knew that he would do anything for me if I asked him to. He is a good guy. He is a worthy priesthood holder that is always going to respect the responsibility that comes with that. He is going to be such an amazing man for the rest of his life. I think the thing that made me realize I might have feelings for him is every time I found out he had a girlfriend or that him and his girlfriend were talking about getting married I got jealous and deep down hoped things wouldn't work out. So, when he told me that he and his girlfriend finally broke up for reals and for sure they were done I was really happy. He stopped to see me on his way back to Utah when school got out and it was so much fun. He has been saying that he is going to come and visit me all summer but it hasn't happened. And, every time he says he is I get my hopes up and then he doesn't come, and I get hurt again. I am tired of getting hurt. I think that's what the "liked" at the beginning means. I still wonder if things could or would ever happen between the two of us. But, I am so tired of caring and then having it hurt worse. Once again, I have turned off my emotions. I don't even know if I am crazy and things could never work but I just wanted to see. I wanted to spend some time with him. But, it doesn't look like that's going to happen and so I am done trying. I hope I can be done hoping and caring soon cause its getting tiring.

Last night I went and saw the movie "The Last Song" with my roommate Sasha. I bawled my eyes out for probably 20 minutes straight. Sure, its a sad movie and warranted tears but really? 20 minutes? I am pretty sure its safe to say that not all the tears were from the movie. I guess once I started I couldn't stop. That's the problem with holding things in. You never know when they're going to break free on their own. Its been happening too much lately. I am tired of crying. And I am tired of then forcing myself to stop thinking so that I stop crying. When is my life going to be good and not something I want to cry about? I am just tired. And I am numb. I am tired of being numb.

what is wrong with me?

what is wrong with me? i don't want to talk. i don't want to be around anyone. i just want to sit by myself and sulk. and, i don't even know why. well i have a couple of ideas but it still sucks. i'm sick of feeling like this.

it happened.

What a whirlwind the last couple of weeks have been. I feel like I have been through a lot. I guess I am just going to start at the beginning.

I got to my parents last Monday night. Janiece set a goal when she got engaged that she wanted to run a 5k before she got married. So, Tuesday morning we woke up and my dad mapped out a route and my family ran. It felt really good and I was glad that we got to do it. Then, Tuesday night we went to the temple for Janiece to go through. For some reason I was really nervous to go to the temple and was feeling like that the whole way there. But, as soon as we got there and i went in all of that feeling of anxiousness went away. It was probably the most comforting and enjoyable time that I have been yet which I guess isn't saying all that much because that was only the third time I have gone. It was good to be there with my family and just experience everything again.



I think I just want to go through this day by day.

Wednesday:

First thing in the morning we all woke up to watch the USA win their soccer game in the World Cup in a very dramatic finish. Then, we all ran around like our heads were cut off getting everything ready and packed. We made it out at 1:00 which was only one hour later than we planned. The drive was long and boring. I rode in the car with Zeke and Porter which actually went better than I thought it would. When we got into town we went to the high school because we were going to watch the high school girls team play a summer league basketball game but it ended up being canceled so we just hung out with our old coach cindy for a while. We got to walk around and see how much everything changed. I can't believe how fast time has gone and that I graduated from high school 7 years ago. We all stayed at Livingstons that night. It was so good to see them.

Thursday:

I went running first thing in the morning and it felt so good to run in Oregon again. After I got back I went with Janiece to get her nails done. I got a pedicure which I love. The rest of the day was spent relaxing, going to figure things out for the reception, and shopping. It was a pretty good day.

Friday:

We spent more time getting things ready and together for the wedding. I can't really remember what we did in the morning so it must not have been very exciting. Kendra's high school basketball team had a basketball tournament so we all went and watched their game at 5:00. They rocked it of course. Then we got to go over to the Myer's house to have a barbecue/swim party with the Willis family. It was so much fun just playing and laughing together. Zeke is a crazy animal in the water and just wanted to keep jumping off of the diving board over and over. We even all jumped off the roof! As soon as we got home we all passed out in front of a movie.

Saturday:

The big day. We had to wake up and go set up things for the reception before we got to go back and get ready for the day. Getting ready was a little chaotic. There was hair and girls everywhere. We made it to the temple in time though and they got married at noon. It was so nice to be able to go and be there with them. I am so glad that I never have to just wait outside again and I get to go in and feel the spirit of the temple and hear all of the wonderful blessings you can receive by being there. Janiece and Connor looked so happy. We had to take a million pictures when we came out.

We then headed over to the luncheon that the Willises put on. It was very nice and a lot of fun. And it helped that the food was delicious.

The reception was at the Farley's. It was fun being there with people that I haven't seen in a long time. Some of my friends were in town that I wasn't expecting to see so that was a lot of fun.

Ok, I need to take a break from the mundane details. I don't want to turn this into that. I have this blog to record my thoughts and feelings. Basically to sum things up without going through so much detail we got to see a lot of old friends and it was actually a lot moe fun being there than I thought it was going to be.

But now, my thoughts...

I thought a lot about my friends and the place that I grew up this week. I have been so blessed in my life to be able to have such amazing friends surrounding me and helping me. I can't even begin to imagine a better place to have grown up. I always had people surrounding me that I knew loved me and cared about me and would do anything for me. What could someone want more than that?

I thought a lot about my life and where its going and what I'm doing. I had times where I liked my life when I thought about it and times where I hated it. I have good things going on right now. I have good friends, a good job, a house, a certainty that I am where I am supposed to be. But, I am so ready for more. These last couple of weeks have made me realize that even more. I want to be happy like the people I see around me, the ones that are married and share their lives with someone. I know its going to happen for me. I just so wish I knew when.

Today it finally hit me that Janiece is married. We all went to see a movie and when we were leaving I realized it. They walked out in front of me holding hands and it hit me. Connor is Janiece's husband. They are always going to be a pair now, not just two people that are dating. It took a lot to not cry right then and there. I hated it. I am happy for them. But honestly it just sucks. Bad. I am feeling sorry for myself tonight. I can't really believe I held it off this long. But, I am glad that I did. I think Janiece suspects something is wrong and I so don't want that. Things will get easier once I get back home and back to my life. I am going home on Sunday morning. I need to start getting to know my new ward. Oh boy, I don't even want to start thinking about that....

I gotta stop this train of thought before it picks up too much speed.

Brent

My cousin Brent passed away last week. My mom called me while I was in Oregon and told me that while on a trip with his brother to Havasupi he somehow drowned. Brent was 30 years old. I don't think that it fully hit me until today that he was really gone. I didn't even cry until today. I read my cousin's blog (his sister) every single day. She has posted a lot of her feelings and todays made me feel like my guts were being pulled out through my belly button. I cannot imagine losing a sibling. I was thinking about that a lot today. My dad told me that two of Brent's brothers spoke at the funeral this morning. What a horrible thing to have to do at such a young age. Its not fair and should never happen but, it did. Brent was not active in the church but his family has some of the strongest members out there. What a blessing the perspective the gospel brings. I know that peace will eventually come for his family. They know the grand plan and that things will work out. But, that doesn't make it any easier right now. It pulls at my heart right now thinking about it. Brent was such a good person. He was an amazing brother, uncle, friend, son and cousin. He wasn't married and doesn't have kids. But what an amazing blessing he has been to his nieces and nephews.

I think that more than anything this whole experience has made me realize even more how important my family is to me. They are truly my best friends. My world would be over if I lost any of them. I am so grateful that some of the struggles I have had in the past with some of my siblings have passed by and we are friends again. I can't even think about what I would feel if I lost one of them and things weren't on good terms. I don't know how I would make it through that.

I feel like I am rambling.

My heart hurts, I just want to cry, and there is nothing else I can really say.

missing it

I keep dreaming about my friends from school. Some of them are good dreams, some aren't. I miss my friends. I loved how I was always myself around them and how not only was I myself but I felt secure with who I was. I think that one of the reasons that I was always willing to go out and do things and try new things with them was because they made me feel comfortable with myself. I wasn't scared to be myself or to look stupid. I was just me and that was ok. I feel like that now too but not as fully and securely as I always did with them. Yes, I have changed a lot since then but I think that it has been for the better. I like who I am now and I like my life but, I miss those times. I miss the laughing and the adventures and knowing that every day I had fun people to do things with.