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this week has made me realize even more that i do not want to stay around here to teach. being at home is starting to wear on me. it doesn't help that i had a kind of rough weekend and no one in my family really understands or has any sympathy. my mom got mad at me for being in a bad mood. i'm sorry if i can't be perfect and happy all the time. good thing i have my own room. it has been my saving grace the past couple of days.

i am doing better than i thought with the whole daniel thing. i think it is cause i am used to it because i have done it before. i am slowly beginning to understand why things haven't worked out with daniel and me. i think i would have spent my whole life feeling like i wasn't good enough.

i am hoping to hear from a principle in tooele soon. hopefully i can go for an interview. i need to find a way to get out of town for a couple of days. i might just go to utah anyway and hang out with my sister and friends. i need a way to make some quick money.

the last time

i talked to daniel. i put everything on the line. i told him everything i thought and felt. i told him that we either needed to commit to really try this one final time or i had to walk away and be done, completely and finally. i felt like i knew what was going to happen before we even started talking but i had to do it. i wouldn't have ever been able to stop wondering. and so i did it. i talked and talked. when i was done i sat there silent, waiting. after what felt like forever, daniel finally told me what he thought. he said that he really likes being my friend that we have a lot of fun together and that he likes having me around but when it comes to having anything more than that there just isn't a desire. he doesn't want anything now or ever. he said so if that meant we needed to go our own ways and leave each other alone then that's what he thought we should do.

i cried surprisingly little. i think that i knew deep down this was coming. i know i can do it and i know it is going to be ok and everything will work out eventually. and i know its going to suck and i know its going to be hard. i don't want to do it, but i have to. all i know is there is no way in hell i am ever going to go through this with daniel again. he's out of my phone, texts deleted, off my facebook. everything that tempts me has to be inaccessible. this has to be it, this has to be the last time.

i miss it

i miss what my life was like at this time.

this picture just makes me happy. that apartment was so fun every day. not a care in the world.

new record

I think that I have set a new record. I have applied for probably over 50 jobs, only had 2 interviews and have been turned down both times. Why is it so dang hard to get a job around here? Maybe if people would stop asking me how long I would be around for I would have a better chance. But what am I supposed to tell people when they ask me? I can't lie. It just sucks. I just filled out I think 4 insanely long applications online. Now I just have to wait and see what happens I guess. Bah.... so annoying!

bah

i feel like i am in the mood i am usually in when i write on here but i don't know what it is exactly i feel like writing about. i feel lonely, lost, and confused. i don't know what to do with my life. could someone please just tell me what to expect, even for tomorrow?

To Do

Here's my list of things to do today:

• Go and get an Idaho's driver's license
• Get fingerprinted
• Send in application for Idaho Teaching Certificate
• Call Wendy about job in Oregon
• Call Bozeman's and Longview's Human Resource Departments
• Go bowling for ONE DOLLAR a game
• Start to figure out what I'm doing with my life

Good luck to me

Family Galore

This weekend was so crazy. My Grandma turned 90 yesterday! 90!!! And so we had a huge birthday party for her last night. As many of her 7 children, 48 grandchildren and who knows how many great grandchildren came to celebrate. Before the party everyone came to our house for dinner. I think that there were at least 70 people here! I guess that's why my parents thought they needed such a large kitchen. It was fun seeing cousins I haven't seen in a while and it was nice to see how many people my grandma's life has affected. My grandma is an amazing person. She was the youngest child of 12. Her and my grandpa got married even though her dad didn't think it was a good idea and I'm so glad that they did! I can't imagine a better couple to do all of the things that they have done. She supported my grandpa through so many callings in the church without complaint. She tirelessly worked to take care of home and children because my grandpa was a busy farmer. And, most importantly she was the mother of my mom.

Have you ever seen a cake with 90 candles on it? It was quite the sight!

My oldest sister Karissa has been here for the past 2 weeks with my cute nephew Zeke. It has been so fun having them here. Zeke is 7 months old and already has such a noticeable personality. He is such a content baby most of the time. They are leaving today and I am sad to see them go.