the last time

i talked to daniel. i put everything on the line. i told him everything i thought and felt. i told him that we either needed to commit to really try this one final time or i had to walk away and be done, completely and finally. i felt like i knew what was going to happen before we even started talking but i had to do it. i wouldn't have ever been able to stop wondering. and so i did it. i talked and talked. when i was done i sat there silent, waiting. after what felt like forever, daniel finally told me what he thought. he said that he really likes being my friend that we have a lot of fun together and that he likes having me around but when it comes to having anything more than that there just isn't a desire. he doesn't want anything now or ever. he said so if that meant we needed to go our own ways and leave each other alone then that's what he thought we should do.

i cried surprisingly little. i think that i knew deep down this was coming. i know i can do it and i know it is going to be ok and everything will work out eventually. and i know its going to suck and i know its going to be hard. i don't want to do it, but i have to. all i know is there is no way in hell i am ever going to go through this with daniel again. he's out of my phone, texts deleted, off my facebook. everything that tempts me has to be inaccessible. this has to be it, this has to be the last time.

i miss it

i miss what my life was like at this time.

this picture just makes me happy. that apartment was so fun every day. not a care in the world.

new record

I think that I have set a new record. I have applied for probably over 50 jobs, only had 2 interviews and have been turned down both times. Why is it so dang hard to get a job around here? Maybe if people would stop asking me how long I would be around for I would have a better chance. But what am I supposed to tell people when they ask me? I can't lie. It just sucks. I just filled out I think 4 insanely long applications online. Now I just have to wait and see what happens I guess. Bah.... so annoying!

bah

i feel like i am in the mood i am usually in when i write on here but i don't know what it is exactly i feel like writing about. i feel lonely, lost, and confused. i don't know what to do with my life. could someone please just tell me what to expect, even for tomorrow?

To Do

Here's my list of things to do today:

• Go and get an Idaho's driver's license
• Get fingerprinted
• Send in application for Idaho Teaching Certificate
• Call Wendy about job in Oregon
• Call Bozeman's and Longview's Human Resource Departments
• Go bowling for ONE DOLLAR a game
• Start to figure out what I'm doing with my life

Good luck to me

Family Galore

This weekend was so crazy. My Grandma turned 90 yesterday! 90!!! And so we had a huge birthday party for her last night. As many of her 7 children, 48 grandchildren and who knows how many great grandchildren came to celebrate. Before the party everyone came to our house for dinner. I think that there were at least 70 people here! I guess that's why my parents thought they needed such a large kitchen. It was fun seeing cousins I haven't seen in a while and it was nice to see how many people my grandma's life has affected. My grandma is an amazing person. She was the youngest child of 12. Her and my grandpa got married even though her dad didn't think it was a good idea and I'm so glad that they did! I can't imagine a better couple to do all of the things that they have done. She supported my grandpa through so many callings in the church without complaint. She tirelessly worked to take care of home and children because my grandpa was a busy farmer. And, most importantly she was the mother of my mom.

Have you ever seen a cake with 90 candles on it? It was quite the sight!

My oldest sister Karissa has been here for the past 2 weeks with my cute nephew Zeke. It has been so fun having them here. Zeke is 7 months old and already has such a noticeable personality. He is such a content baby most of the time. They are leaving today and I am sad to see them go.

I don't understand

So I tried to write a post earlier because I felt like I needed to get some things out but I didn't know where to start. It didn't work and I think I only wrote 2 lines before closing it. But, here's what I have now. I did it again. Catherine asked me on Saturday what was going on with Daniel. I told her I didn't know. She asked if we had kissed. I said yes and I knew that she and others probably thought I was stupid. She said that she just didn't understand. I didn't have an answer for her at the time but this is what I've come up with since then.

I love Daniel. Simply and undeniably, I love him and never have been able to get him out of my heart. When I was in Rexburg a few weeks ago I thought that there was no way that I would ever give Daniel a chance again. I thought I was finally done. Apparently I forgot to tell my heart. When Daniel got here, I was fine. Then we kissed. I thought about it when I was going to sleep that night and again in the morning. I wondered if I was being stupid. The answer I came up with was of course I was being stupid. But, after some thought, I realized that I love Daniel and even though there was a probably 95 percent chance I would get hurt again I could not make myself walk away. I had to see. I had to risk it again on the small chance that things had changed. I had to put myself out there for the love that I cannot explain to anyone, not Daniel, not even myself. Sometimes I wonder if I just love the feeling of love or if it is more. I know it is more than just for the excitment of being in love. I love him, every single thing that I see him do, say and think just makes me love the person he is even more. I know he's been stupid and even treated me like crap in the past. But for some reason, he's everything I want. I can't imagine a better life than the one I would have with Daniel. I know no one understands that, but I can't seem to let him out of my heart.

I know people say that there's nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you back. I don't think that's true. It is worse to love someone who does love you back but who still doesn't want to be with you and can't even give you one reason why.