I have a problem. I spend too much of my life counting on things to go wrong. But, once again I was reminded today that I do this because it seems to happen way too often. I make plans and then things change and it doesn't work out. I am tired of feeling disappointed. I am sitting in my classroom while my students are working and all I can think about is how I am so so sick of this. It is making it hard to be a good teacher. I want to feel excited about something with my whole heart and soul. But, I don't know how to do that anymore. I always have a thought in the back of my head like, 'well don't get your hopes up because chances are its not going to happen'. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to feel like I live my life in constant fear of disappointment. I just don't know how to change it.
Even though I have written about some of this before I am still going to write it again because I feel like I need to so that I can gather my thoughts.
Let me back up and explain some things. In December I was called to be the Relief Society President in my ward. To say I was overwhelmed is a serious understatement. I didn't know what to do or how to become what I needed to be. My Bishop talked to me a lot about the kind of counselors that I needed to find. He said the most important thing I would do is to find good counselors that would support me and be good examples to the sisters in our ward. I got called on Friday night and I had until Monday night to tell him who I had decided on. I was confused, stressed, humbled, scared, and terrified along with a lot of other emotions. I feel like I have always had a hard time trusting my thoughts and feelings so I was scared I was going to screw something up. But, with all of the doubt and confusion there was one counselor I knew was supposed to be called. I was so sure of it I never for one second thought I might be wrong. And, I was right. She was the exact person the sisters in the ward needed and, in my mind, even more importantly the exact person I needed in my life. Catherine Rider quickly became one of my most treasured friends that I will ever have.
Catherine helps me feel like I am myself. She makes me happy. She was planning on moving in with us next week but she just texted me and apparently her plans have changed. She got a job at home for the summer so she is moving home. To say I'm not too thrilled about that is not even beginning to describe what's going on in my head and my heart. I'm just sad. I'm sad she isn't moving in. I'm scared that I am going to be able to be as happy as I have been recently. I truly believe that one of the main reasons that I have been able to be happy lately is because she is my friend. She reminds me to not take life too seriously. She helps me laugh at things and at myself. She allows me to be sarcastic and witty and just take things more lightly. I don't know what it is about her that helps me to do all of those things but she just does. And I'm sad that she won't still be here to aid me in being a better me.
But at the same time, I am glad that she found a job. I am glad that things are working out for her. I am more than grateful she is my friend. I know that just because she is moving for the summer that it doesn't mean we won't be friends anymore. I am positive that both of our personalities won't allow our friendship to just fade away and I am so happy to know that. Things will be ok and life will go on.
I need to find some faith that there is a plan and things are going according to that plan. It is hard to stay strong and have hope when it seems all of my plans always crumble around me. I guess the key is realizing its not really my plans that matter but His plans. Somehow I will find the strength to move forward. Somehow things will ultimately work out to be better than I ever imagined. I am just hoping this happens sometime soon.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Birthday Time
I can't believe that it is already April and already time for my birthday. This year has been going by pretty dang fast. This year has been good and it has been hard all at the same time.
Right before Christmas break I got called to be the Relief Society President of my ward. To say that I was stressed about it and overwhelmed is a MAJOR understatement. I think that I had a few mental breakdowns the week that I was supposed to be figuring out who my counselors were supposed to be. It was a long hard week that included getting killed in a few basketball games, having one of the girl's dads yell at me after a game, remembering that I had forgotten to get my sprinklers blown out for the winter, and other small things that set me off way more than they should have. But, I have adjusted and finally started to feel comfortable. Although in a week from today everything is going to change because they are reorganizing all of the wards around here and its going to be a big change and a hard change and then I'll be all stressed again.
My birthday was yesterday. I turned 26. I don't want to be 26. That feels old. It is closer to 30 than it is to 20. That is the age the my sister told me (like 2 or 3 years ago and she probably didn't realize it would come true) that if you weren't married by then then people would wonder what was wrong with you. I am getting older and things are still not happening for me. And at times, that is a very hard thing to realize. But, I have had some very very good conversations with my bishop lately that have reassured me that things will be ok and that there is a plan and that I just need to have faith that things will work out. It is a hard thing to do but I have to keep trying. And besides, every once in a while things happen and people come into my life that I realize wouldn't have happened if I was already married. So, I can be grateful for that.
Even though things have been hard leading up to my birthday and I didn't really want it to come there have been good things happening too. I have a friend that is actually one of my counselors in Relief Society. Her name is Catherine and I love her. She makes me laugh so hard every time I talk to her. She has helped me so much in the last couple of weeks to remember how to be happy doing every day things and for that I am so grateful that she is my friend. She has had some ups and downs in her life and in the last year has made some major changes. It is so inspiring to talk to her and learn from her and just know her. I am glad that I have had to opportunity to get to know her and I am glad that she is my friend.
Well, I need to do lots and lots better about writing on here. I am not doing a very good job about keeping a record about my life. I want to be better because I really do like being able to look back and remember things that happened and things I learned. Its just hard when I feel like I am in a bad mood and sad so much of the time. But, I am determined to do better about that and about writing on here. Pray I keep this attitude in my life.
Right before Christmas break I got called to be the Relief Society President of my ward. To say that I was stressed about it and overwhelmed is a MAJOR understatement. I think that I had a few mental breakdowns the week that I was supposed to be figuring out who my counselors were supposed to be. It was a long hard week that included getting killed in a few basketball games, having one of the girl's dads yell at me after a game, remembering that I had forgotten to get my sprinklers blown out for the winter, and other small things that set me off way more than they should have. But, I have adjusted and finally started to feel comfortable. Although in a week from today everything is going to change because they are reorganizing all of the wards around here and its going to be a big change and a hard change and then I'll be all stressed again.
My birthday was yesterday. I turned 26. I don't want to be 26. That feels old. It is closer to 30 than it is to 20. That is the age the my sister told me (like 2 or 3 years ago and she probably didn't realize it would come true) that if you weren't married by then then people would wonder what was wrong with you. I am getting older and things are still not happening for me. And at times, that is a very hard thing to realize. But, I have had some very very good conversations with my bishop lately that have reassured me that things will be ok and that there is a plan and that I just need to have faith that things will work out. It is a hard thing to do but I have to keep trying. And besides, every once in a while things happen and people come into my life that I realize wouldn't have happened if I was already married. So, I can be grateful for that.
Even though things have been hard leading up to my birthday and I didn't really want it to come there have been good things happening too. I have a friend that is actually one of my counselors in Relief Society. Her name is Catherine and I love her. She makes me laugh so hard every time I talk to her. She has helped me so much in the last couple of weeks to remember how to be happy doing every day things and for that I am so grateful that she is my friend. She has had some ups and downs in her life and in the last year has made some major changes. It is so inspiring to talk to her and learn from her and just know her. I am glad that I have had to opportunity to get to know her and I am glad that she is my friend.
Well, I need to do lots and lots better about writing on here. I am not doing a very good job about keeping a record about my life. I want to be better because I really do like being able to look back and remember things that happened and things I learned. Its just hard when I feel like I am in a bad mood and sad so much of the time. But, I am determined to do better about that and about writing on here. Pray I keep this attitude in my life.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011 Resolutions
Spiritual:
Continue to be in the 365 day club.
Complete reading the Book of Mormon twice.
Attend the temple monthly.
Visiting Teaching every month.
Home Life:
Clean my room weekly.
Vacuum weekly.
Bathroom cleaned weekly.
Financial:
Track money spending.
Pay bills when they arrive.
Set aside money monthly into savings.
Pay Fast Offerings monthly.
Physical:
Exercise 5 times weekly.
Run in at least one race.
Personal:
Read more (one book a month).
Write on my blog/in my journal more.
Relationships:
Send Birthday cards to family.
Be better at getting to know people in my ward.
Learn ward members names.
Continue to be in the 365 day club.
Complete reading the Book of Mormon twice.
Attend the temple monthly.
Visiting Teaching every month.
Home Life:
Clean my room weekly.
Vacuum weekly.
Bathroom cleaned weekly.
Financial:
Track money spending.
Pay bills when they arrive.
Set aside money monthly into savings.
Pay Fast Offerings monthly.
Physical:
Exercise 5 times weekly.
Run in at least one race.
Personal:
Read more (one book a month).
Write on my blog/in my journal more.
Relationships:
Send Birthday cards to family.
Be better at getting to know people in my ward.
Learn ward members names.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Twenty-Ten
Time for a New Year and time to do another review. I can't believe that this year is already over. It has been long and flew by all at the same time. Well here goes 2010...
January: Continued to coach the JV basketball team. Coworker got arrested. Dealt with too much reality. Was a bridesmaid at my roommate Hilary's wedding in Idaho Falls. Went to Boise to watch an indoor ISU track meet. Busy busy busy!
February: Finished coaching. Went home to watch my sister Kendra win a State Championship! Took a day off of work and watched Cassie at an ISU track meet. Went to a fireside with Cody to hear Elder Richard G. Scott. Finally held hands with a boy (Cody Funk) and ended up getting hurt again. Realized once again how good of a friend Cassie is. Started looking at houses to BUY!
March: Went to Utah with Cassie to visit my family and did a sweet subway art project with Karissa. Janiece got engaged to Connor. Finally had some downtime to myself since basketball ended. Dealt with some major problems with co-workers. Stayed in Pocatello over spring break to put in an offer on MY HOUSE which was accepted!
April: Turned 25!!! Had dinner with good friends and just relaxed. Went home for General Conference and Easter with the whole family. Got to watch Cassie at the BSU track meet. Did a killer fun easter egg hunt while blindfolded and clotheslined Zeke. Talked to my Bishop about going through the temple. Went to Utah to see family, watch another track meet, see Jordan, and just get away.
May: Moved into MY OWN HOUSE with Cassie, Carrie Talbot, and Sasha Boylova, Went through the Idaho Falls temple to receive my endowment. Dad, Mom, Devin, Cortney, Trent, Karissa, Toby, Janiece, Zeke and Porter all come to stay at my house. Spoke in church for the 5th time in that ward. Struggled to get through to the end of the school year.
June: Finished my 2nd year of teaching. Helped one of my past students finish his math ISAT requirement literally minutes before the deadline to graduate and witnessed a life change in him. Went to Eugene, Oregon to watch the National Track and Field Championship where Cassie was competing in the Heptathlon and Javelin and watched her get All-American! My cousin Brent passed away in an accident. Went to Wilsonville and saw lots of old friends. Janiece and Connor got married in the Portland Temple and I was able to attend the sealing. Started going to our new singles ward.
July: Celebrated the 4th of July with family and then came back home and watched the Pocatello firework show which was one of the best ever! Celebrated Cassie's birthday. Went to Pheonix with my Mom and Jenica for Kendra's basketball tournament. Stayed in super nice hotel, swam at the water park, shopped, and navigated our way around to some fun. Got called to be the ward FHE coordinator
August: Youngberg Family Reunion at Cascade Lake with TONS of cousins and fun and games. Went to Utah with Cassie and stayed with her brother's family and her sister's family. Janiece and Connor came and stayed at my house for a couple of days before going to school. Went to Lava to jump off the platforms! Amy Andrus moved in.
September: Started my 3rd year of teaching. Not the best start to the year and already dreading the rest of it. Had girls night at our house and played some fun games. Went to Utah for Porter's 1st Birthday Party. A CES fireside all about marriage made me have a rough couple of days as I realized I still have a ways to go until I'm to that point.
October: Went home for General Conference and Zeke's 3rd Birthday. Went to watch Kendra play in a state play-in volleyball game in Burley. Went to Kimberly High School to watch Kendra's volleyball state tournament where they took 3rd in the most intense game against their rivals ever! Played some mad 4 square in the parking lot between games. Decided that it might be possible for me to find a guy that I could be interested in. Got to go home for a week long fall break and do lots of projects with my mom and dad. Carrie moved out unexpectedly. Painted my bathroom and love it! Got really sick and had a sinus infection and probably strep throat.
November: Basketball season started. I am coaching the JV team again for the 2nd year in a row but with a new head coach. Got to stay home for my first snow day ever! Went home for Thanksgiving and did the longest most stressful drive in the snow ever. Got stuck at home an extra day with lots of family and friends because of the roads. Don't really like my job and dread going everyday especially with the bad roads. Roxie Dawn Limb, my niece, was born early and I got to see her since I was stuck at home.
December: Busy, busy. Coaching lots of games, working too many hours, not getting enough sleep. Got my first technical in a basketball game for yelling at a referee when he personally attacked me. Got called to be the Relief Society President. Took a much needed day off from work to recuperate from a stressful life. Went home for Christmas where the WHOLE family was there. Played lots of games, ate way too much food, and had so much fun.
Wow wow wow. That was quite the year. I am always amazed at how much can happen in just one year. I am not going to lie, 2010 was not my most favorite year ever. I am glad its ending and I get to put it in my past. I'm sure hoping that 2011 treats me a whole lot better and brings happiness and love.
January: Continued to coach the JV basketball team. Coworker got arrested. Dealt with too much reality. Was a bridesmaid at my roommate Hilary's wedding in Idaho Falls. Went to Boise to watch an indoor ISU track meet. Busy busy busy!
February: Finished coaching. Went home to watch my sister Kendra win a State Championship! Took a day off of work and watched Cassie at an ISU track meet. Went to a fireside with Cody to hear Elder Richard G. Scott. Finally held hands with a boy (Cody Funk) and ended up getting hurt again. Realized once again how good of a friend Cassie is. Started looking at houses to BUY!
March: Went to Utah with Cassie to visit my family and did a sweet subway art project with Karissa. Janiece got engaged to Connor. Finally had some downtime to myself since basketball ended. Dealt with some major problems with co-workers. Stayed in Pocatello over spring break to put in an offer on MY HOUSE which was accepted!
April: Turned 25!!! Had dinner with good friends and just relaxed. Went home for General Conference and Easter with the whole family. Got to watch Cassie at the BSU track meet. Did a killer fun easter egg hunt while blindfolded and clotheslined Zeke. Talked to my Bishop about going through the temple. Went to Utah to see family, watch another track meet, see Jordan, and just get away.
May: Moved into MY OWN HOUSE with Cassie, Carrie Talbot, and Sasha Boylova, Went through the Idaho Falls temple to receive my endowment. Dad, Mom, Devin, Cortney, Trent, Karissa, Toby, Janiece, Zeke and Porter all come to stay at my house. Spoke in church for the 5th time in that ward. Struggled to get through to the end of the school year.
June: Finished my 2nd year of teaching. Helped one of my past students finish his math ISAT requirement literally minutes before the deadline to graduate and witnessed a life change in him. Went to Eugene, Oregon to watch the National Track and Field Championship where Cassie was competing in the Heptathlon and Javelin and watched her get All-American! My cousin Brent passed away in an accident. Went to Wilsonville and saw lots of old friends. Janiece and Connor got married in the Portland Temple and I was able to attend the sealing. Started going to our new singles ward.
July: Celebrated the 4th of July with family and then came back home and watched the Pocatello firework show which was one of the best ever! Celebrated Cassie's birthday. Went to Pheonix with my Mom and Jenica for Kendra's basketball tournament. Stayed in super nice hotel, swam at the water park, shopped, and navigated our way around to some fun. Got called to be the ward FHE coordinator
August: Youngberg Family Reunion at Cascade Lake with TONS of cousins and fun and games. Went to Utah with Cassie and stayed with her brother's family and her sister's family. Janiece and Connor came and stayed at my house for a couple of days before going to school. Went to Lava to jump off the platforms! Amy Andrus moved in.
September: Started my 3rd year of teaching. Not the best start to the year and already dreading the rest of it. Had girls night at our house and played some fun games. Went to Utah for Porter's 1st Birthday Party. A CES fireside all about marriage made me have a rough couple of days as I realized I still have a ways to go until I'm to that point.
October: Went home for General Conference and Zeke's 3rd Birthday. Went to watch Kendra play in a state play-in volleyball game in Burley. Went to Kimberly High School to watch Kendra's volleyball state tournament where they took 3rd in the most intense game against their rivals ever! Played some mad 4 square in the parking lot between games. Decided that it might be possible for me to find a guy that I could be interested in. Got to go home for a week long fall break and do lots of projects with my mom and dad. Carrie moved out unexpectedly. Painted my bathroom and love it! Got really sick and had a sinus infection and probably strep throat.
November: Basketball season started. I am coaching the JV team again for the 2nd year in a row but with a new head coach. Got to stay home for my first snow day ever! Went home for Thanksgiving and did the longest most stressful drive in the snow ever. Got stuck at home an extra day with lots of family and friends because of the roads. Don't really like my job and dread going everyday especially with the bad roads. Roxie Dawn Limb, my niece, was born early and I got to see her since I was stuck at home.
December: Busy, busy. Coaching lots of games, working too many hours, not getting enough sleep. Got my first technical in a basketball game for yelling at a referee when he personally attacked me. Got called to be the Relief Society President. Took a much needed day off from work to recuperate from a stressful life. Went home for Christmas where the WHOLE family was there. Played lots of games, ate way too much food, and had so much fun.
Wow wow wow. That was quite the year. I am always amazed at how much can happen in just one year. I am not going to lie, 2010 was not my most favorite year ever. I am glad its ending and I get to put it in my past. I'm sure hoping that 2011 treats me a whole lot better and brings happiness and love.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
lately.
I have been writing a lot in my journal lately instead of on here. Mostly I have been having a hard time with things these days. I have just been trying to sort through everything and I don't really know what to do about life. There are multiple things that I am trying to deal with right now and I don't even know where to start on fixing anything.
Most days I don't like my job. Students are rude, mean, disrespectful, and too much to handle. Things seem worse this year than ever dealing with them. I don't know if they really have gotten worse or if my patience has just run out. If I could have, I would have quit in the first two weeks. I can't do anything about my job now but I definitely have a lot to think about between now and June.
i can't finish writing on here right now.... it would be nothing but negative whining and complaining and i don't want to do that.
Most days I don't like my job. Students are rude, mean, disrespectful, and too much to handle. Things seem worse this year than ever dealing with them. I don't know if they really have gotten worse or if my patience has just run out. If I could have, I would have quit in the first two weeks. I can't do anything about my job now but I definitely have a lot to think about between now and June.
i can't finish writing on here right now.... it would be nothing but negative whining and complaining and i don't want to do that.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
sunday
Sunday was a hard day. I cried harder and longer than I have in a really long time. I went to the CES fireside. The ENTIRE thing was about being married and how to be married and how to have an amazing marriage and how to treat your spouse and how to love each other and how to keep things happy and working and how to continue dating each other and on and on and on about it. Needless to say, it wasn't the easiest thing to sit through. I didn't even wear my contacts on Monday cause my eyes still hurt and I still had a headache.
And to top it all off I can't sleep. I have been awake at either 4 or 4:30 in the morning every day since before school started. It is getting old and I am just getting more and more tired every single day.
And to top it all off I can't sleep. I have been awake at either 4 or 4:30 in the morning every day since before school started. It is getting old and I am just getting more and more tired every single day.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Cry my eyes out.
Do you ever feel like you need to watch a movie so that you can cry your eyes out? Maybe its because crying for something fictional and for people who aren't real and aren't you and it just might make you feel better. I am not sure of the reason but it seems like sometimes I just need to cry but at the same time I don't want to think about the parts of my life that make me feel like that so I just want to cry for some other, meaningless to real life, reason. I think tomorrow when I get home I might just put in a movie in my room and have a good cry.
Have things happened to make me feel like this? yes. Am I ready to deal with them enough to write about them? no. Maybe someday. And maybe I will just bottle this up all inside and hope it never escapes because I can't even explain how sick and tired I am of feeling sorry for myself.
Have things happened to make me feel like this? yes. Am I ready to deal with them enough to write about them? no. Maybe someday. And maybe I will just bottle this up all inside and hope it never escapes because I can't even explain how sick and tired I am of feeling sorry for myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)