I don't understand

So I tried to write a post earlier because I felt like I needed to get some things out but I didn't know where to start. It didn't work and I think I only wrote 2 lines before closing it. But, here's what I have now. I did it again. Catherine asked me on Saturday what was going on with Daniel. I told her I didn't know. She asked if we had kissed. I said yes and I knew that she and others probably thought I was stupid. She said that she just didn't understand. I didn't have an answer for her at the time but this is what I've come up with since then.

I love Daniel. Simply and undeniably, I love him and never have been able to get him out of my heart. When I was in Rexburg a few weeks ago I thought that there was no way that I would ever give Daniel a chance again. I thought I was finally done. Apparently I forgot to tell my heart. When Daniel got here, I was fine. Then we kissed. I thought about it when I was going to sleep that night and again in the morning. I wondered if I was being stupid. The answer I came up with was of course I was being stupid. But, after some thought, I realized that I love Daniel and even though there was a probably 95 percent chance I would get hurt again I could not make myself walk away. I had to see. I had to risk it again on the small chance that things had changed. I had to put myself out there for the love that I cannot explain to anyone, not Daniel, not even myself. Sometimes I wonder if I just love the feeling of love or if it is more. I know it is more than just for the excitment of being in love. I love him, every single thing that I see him do, say and think just makes me love the person he is even more. I know he's been stupid and even treated me like crap in the past. But for some reason, he's everything I want. I can't imagine a better life than the one I would have with Daniel. I know no one understands that, but I can't seem to let him out of my heart.

I know people say that there's nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you back. I don't think that's true. It is worse to love someone who does love you back but who still doesn't want to be with you and can't even give you one reason why.

Class

I went to institute tonight. While I was sitting there listening to the teacher, thinking about what we were studying and what was being said, I realized that I miss being in a classroom learning from someone who knows more than I do. It is a very fulfilling thing to walk into a room not knowing something and leave with new knowledge. I guess its a good thing that I have to continue learning as I teach. I hope I always remember how much I enjoy learning and growing.

a whole week

I made it through my first week being at home! I have to admit, being at home isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I do need to figure out some way to make some friends but that'll come. I am going to go to institute on wednesday night and i plan on trying to talk to some people there. we'll see how that goes. other than that i realized today that i need to plan some sort of adventure so that i have something to look forward to. i am thinking about doing something around hell's canyon. i need to find out some more about it but i'm pretty sure i'll be planning something. then i need to find people to go with me. i think that'll be my goal tomorrow. plan an adventure!! sound good? good.

Good day

I had an interview today. I think that it went really well. He told me that he would get back to me next wednesday. Essentially he told me that he would have hired me on the spot if he didn't know I was going to be leaving in August. I think that it would be a fun place to work and it pays at least $10 an hour which is amazing here. Hopefully it works out. I think I'm going to do some research and find out where institue happens around here. I need a way to meet people and make friends. And, its nice outside.... Its a good day.

Is it?

Is it sometimes ok to feel sorry for yourself? As long as it doesn't consume you and doesn't last too long I think so. I don't know, maybe its not healthy.

I'm done

I did it. I graduated from college. I still can't believe it. It is strange to think that a goal I have had since I was 5 years old is finally complete. It is nice to feel like I completed such a huge, demanding task. I am glad that I went back to Rexburg to walk. It made it feel more real, like I actually did it and am really completely done. I feel free. I can do whatever in the world I want to do right now. Its a good feeling.

Rexburg was good. I am glad I went, had a lot of fun. I was a little worried before I got there how it would all go. I was worried I would be bored, worried that people and friends had moved on and I would feel out of the loop, and probably more than anything, worried about how things would go with daniel. I felt like I was done with Daniel but I wasn't sure how it would be when I saw him again but I knew I needed to. I am happy to say that I am done with the Rexburg phase of my life. I am done with dealing with crap from Daniel, I am done wishing things would work out. Don't get me wrong, I still care about him, want the best for him, wish he will get to do everything in the world he wants to and is capable of. But, I no longer yearn to be there for all of that. I am happy to be a bystander, cheering him on, hearing from him only every once in a while. Again, I feel free. It feels amazing.

Vegas was good. I miss it sometimes. I made some good friends there. Since I left I have realized that I have more of an impact on those around me than I thought. 2 of my roommates have since told me they appreciated how hard I tried to be happy and do the things that make me happy, a guy told me that I had become one of his best friends and wished he would have done something while he still had the chance, and others have just called or texted to say hi. It is a good lesson to learn that even when I don't realize it, others are watching. I learned a lot from the people around me too. I guess that's why its good to be around new people, we can learn something from everyone. And, probably most important for me, I learned that I can make new friends and that I enjoy getting to know new people.

Wow, the last 2 weeks have been monumental.

Happy Birthday to Me

Well today I turned 23. That is so weird. I can't believe that another year has come and gone. It doesn't feel like I should be getting older. Today has been a pretty decent day I guess. Nothing too exciting. I have gotten some phone calls and an outrageous amount of posts on my facebook. Its nice to feel remembered. Everyone here is busy trying to get their work sample done because we go and present them tomorrow. I wanted to go and do something fun for my birthday but no one had time. Oh well, I am going to celebrate my birthday along with Karissa's and Trent's on Sunday when I am in Utah. Its fun being older and being able to share birthday time with all of us. I think this is the 2nd year in a row I haven't blown out candles... not a good thing I think. I need some wishes granted!!!

I hope that this year is good to me. I have no idea what to expect out of my life for the next year. I don't even know what to expect out of life in the next month! I guess in a way that's exciting. But, at the same time, I am looking forward to the time when I can settle down and start to make some more long term plans.

I only have 3 more days of going to school and then I am done. I am moving away from Las Vegas on Saturday. I feel like I just got here. I have so many mixed feelings about graduating its surprising I can still function at times. I still haven't found that magic switch in my brain that I can flip to turn off all of the annoying thinking going on up there. If anyone knows where it is, please tell me!

Overall, I guess a good day. Nothing too out of the ordinary but that's ok. A day without anything bad is a success in my book!