2011 Resolutions

Spiritual:
Continue to be in the 365 day club.
Complete reading the Book of Mormon twice.
Attend the temple monthly.
Visiting Teaching every month.


Home Life:
Clean my room weekly.
Vacuum weekly.
Bathroom cleaned weekly.


Financial:
Track money spending.
Pay bills when they arrive.
Set aside money monthly into savings.
Pay Fast Offerings monthly.


Physical:
Exercise 5 times weekly.
Run in at least one race.


Personal:
Read more (one book a month).
Write on my blog/in my journal more.


Relationships:
Send Birthday cards to family.
Be better at getting to know people in my ward.
Learn ward members names.

Twenty-Ten

Time for a New Year and time to do another review. I can't believe that this year is already over. It has been long and flew by all at the same time. Well here goes 2010...


January: Continued to coach the JV basketball team. Coworker got arrested. Dealt with too much reality. Was a bridesmaid at my roommate Hilary's wedding in Idaho Falls. Went to Boise to watch an indoor ISU track meet. Busy busy busy!

February: Finished coaching. Went home to watch my sister Kendra win a State Championship! Took a day off of work and watched Cassie at an ISU track meet. Went to a fireside with Cody to hear Elder Richard G. Scott. Finally held hands with a boy (Cody Funk) and ended up getting hurt again. Realized once again how good of a friend Cassie is. Started looking at houses to BUY!

March: Went to Utah with Cassie to visit my family and did a sweet subway art project with Karissa. Janiece got engaged to Connor. Finally had some downtime to myself since basketball ended. Dealt with some major problems with co-workers. Stayed in Pocatello over spring break to put in an offer on MY HOUSE which was accepted!

April: Turned 25!!! Had dinner with good friends and just relaxed. Went home for General Conference and Easter with the whole family. Got to watch Cassie at the BSU track meet. Did a killer fun easter egg hunt while blindfolded and clotheslined Zeke. Talked to my Bishop about going through the temple. Went to Utah to see family, watch another track meet, see Jordan, and just get away.

May: Moved into MY OWN HOUSE with Cassie, Carrie Talbot, and Sasha Boylova, Went through the Idaho Falls temple to receive my endowment. Dad, Mom, Devin, Cortney, Trent, Karissa, Toby, Janiece, Zeke and Porter all come to stay at my house. Spoke in church for the 5th time in that ward. Struggled to get through to the end of the school year.

June: Finished my 2nd year of teaching. Helped one of my past students finish his math ISAT requirement literally minutes before the deadline to graduate and witnessed a life change in him. Went to Eugene, Oregon to watch the National Track and Field Championship where Cassie was competing in the Heptathlon and Javelin and watched her get All-American! My cousin Brent passed away in an accident. Went to Wilsonville and saw lots of old friends. Janiece and Connor got married in the Portland Temple and I was able to attend the sealing. Started going to our new singles ward.

July: Celebrated the 4th of July with family and then came back home and watched the Pocatello firework show which was one of the best ever! Celebrated Cassie's birthday. Went to Pheonix with my Mom and Jenica for Kendra's basketball tournament. Stayed in super nice hotel, swam at the water park, shopped, and navigated our way around to some fun. Got called to be the ward FHE coordinator

August: Youngberg Family Reunion at Cascade Lake with TONS of cousins and fun and games. Went to Utah with Cassie and stayed with her brother's family and her sister's family. Janiece and Connor came and stayed at my house for a couple of days before going to school. Went to Lava to jump off the platforms! Amy Andrus moved in.

September: Started my 3rd year of teaching. Not the best start to the year and already dreading the rest of it. Had girls night at our house and played some fun games. Went to Utah for Porter's 1st Birthday Party. A CES fireside all about marriage made me have a rough couple of days as I realized I still have a ways to go until I'm to that point.

October: Went home for General Conference and Zeke's 3rd Birthday. Went to watch Kendra play in a state play-in volleyball game in Burley. Went to Kimberly High School to watch Kendra's volleyball state tournament where they took 3rd in the most intense game against their rivals ever! Played some mad 4 square in the parking lot between games. Decided that it might be possible for me to find a guy that I could be interested in. Got to go home for a week long fall break and do lots of projects with my mom and dad. Carrie moved out unexpectedly. Painted my bathroom and love it! Got really sick and had a sinus infection and probably strep throat.

November: Basketball season started. I am coaching the JV team again for the 2nd year in a row but with a new head coach. Got to stay home for my first snow day ever! Went home for Thanksgiving and did the longest most stressful drive in the snow ever. Got stuck at home an extra day with lots of family and friends because of the roads. Don't really like my job and dread going everyday especially with the bad roads. Roxie Dawn Limb, my niece, was born early and I got to see her since I was stuck at home.

December: Busy, busy. Coaching lots of games, working too many hours, not getting enough sleep. Got my first technical in a basketball game for yelling at a referee when he personally attacked me. Got called to be the Relief Society President. Took a much needed day off from work to recuperate from a stressful life. Went home for Christmas where the WHOLE family was there. Played lots of games, ate way too much food, and had so much fun.



Wow wow wow. That was quite the year. I am always amazed at how much can happen in just one year. I am not going to lie, 2010 was not my most favorite year ever. I am glad its ending and I get to put it in my past. I'm sure hoping that 2011 treats me a whole lot better and brings happiness and love.

lately.

I have been writing a lot in my journal lately instead of on here. Mostly I have been having a hard time with things these days. I have just been trying to sort through everything and I don't really know what to do about life. There are multiple things that I am trying to deal with right now and I don't even know where to start on fixing anything.

Most days I don't like my job. Students are rude, mean, disrespectful, and too much to handle. Things seem worse this year than ever dealing with them. I don't know if they really have gotten worse or if my patience has just run out. If I could have, I would have quit in the first two weeks. I can't do anything about my job now but I definitely have a lot to think about between now and June.

i can't finish writing on here right now.... it would be nothing but negative whining and complaining and i don't want to do that.

sunday

Sunday was a hard day. I cried harder and longer than I have in a really long time. I went to the CES fireside. The ENTIRE thing was about being married and how to be married and how to have an amazing marriage and how to treat your spouse and how to love each other and how to keep things happy and working and how to continue dating each other and on and on and on about it. Needless to say, it wasn't the easiest thing to sit through. I didn't even wear my contacts on Monday cause my eyes still hurt and I still had a headache.

And to top it all off I can't sleep. I have been awake at either 4 or 4:30 in the morning every day since before school started. It is getting old and I am just getting more and more tired every single day.

Cry my eyes out.

Do you ever feel like you need to watch a movie so that you can cry your eyes out? Maybe its because crying for something fictional and for people who aren't real and aren't you and it just might make you feel better. I am not sure of the reason but it seems like sometimes I just need to cry but at the same time I don't want to think about the parts of my life that make me feel like that so I just want to cry for some other, meaningless to real life, reason. I think tomorrow when I get home I might just put in a movie in my room and have a good cry.

Have things happened to make me feel like this? yes. Am I ready to deal with them enough to write about them? no. Maybe someday. And maybe I will just bottle this up all inside and hope it never escapes because I can't even explain how sick and tired I am of feeling sorry for myself.

numb.

I am numb. I have been thinking lately about my life and how I react to things and process things and I have come to the conclusion that I am numb. I don't allow myself to feel my emotions. I think I have talked about this a little on here before but its been on my mind a lot lately so I guess I have more I need to get out.

For the past couple of months I haven't been able to feel like myself. I don't laugh as much as I used to. I don't feel like getting out and doing much. I would much rather just be alone doing something mundane. What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel like the person I so fully want to be and who I have worked so hard to become? Who is this person that has been living my life since summer began? Its not me, and I don't like it.

Is it because there are so many things in my life that I don't like and don't want to feel and don't want to think about? I don't even know if I have let myself realize all of the things I have been dealing with and that I want to change.

I already went on and on in my last post about Janiece getting married. It still is hard to think about and hasn't gotten any easier. If anything, the more time that passes and the more the reality of it sinks in, the harder it is. I am just so scared that everyone around me is going to keep finding people to marry and I am going to be left in the dust, all by myself. Its not a good feeling to feel alone and I feel that way too much these days. I am tired of going through life alone. I need someone else who cares about me and cares about what I do every day. And mostly, I need to care about someone else. My life is too self-centered and I hate it.

I started attending my new ward and let's just say I have been less than thrilled about it. I think I cried 6 different times the first Sunday. I don't want to change wards. I don't want to start going to a new singles ward where I have to meet all new people and re-establish who I am. I don't want to deal with what it implies in my life. Once again I am moving forward alone. I just don't want to do it. I got called to be the FHE coordinator. Why of all callings did I have to get that one? I have struggled with FHE my entire life. I don't know why, but I have never really enjoyed it. I know its a good thing and I can see how it blesses lives and that's why I have been faithful in attending for the past 2 years since I moved here but why do I have to be in charge of it? Its the last thing I want to do. But, I accepting the calling and am going to do it whether I like it or not. Once again I will force myself not to think about being miserable and just do what I have to do.

I guess its finally time to admit that I like (or is it already now liked?) Jordan. I didn't think that I was ever going to post that on here. It wasn't something I ever planned on shouting to the world. But, if I am going to try to start actually feeling things again I need to admit things to myself. Even before Jordan got home from his mission, almost two years ago, I started wondering about him. I remembered how we used to always fight and argue and he would sometimes drive me crazy. But, I also remembered that I have never been treated with such respect and love as I was with him. I knew that he would do anything for me if I asked him to. He is a good guy. He is a worthy priesthood holder that is always going to respect the responsibility that comes with that. He is going to be such an amazing man for the rest of his life. I think the thing that made me realize I might have feelings for him is every time I found out he had a girlfriend or that him and his girlfriend were talking about getting married I got jealous and deep down hoped things wouldn't work out. So, when he told me that he and his girlfriend finally broke up for reals and for sure they were done I was really happy. He stopped to see me on his way back to Utah when school got out and it was so much fun. He has been saying that he is going to come and visit me all summer but it hasn't happened. And, every time he says he is I get my hopes up and then he doesn't come, and I get hurt again. I am tired of getting hurt. I think that's what the "liked" at the beginning means. I still wonder if things could or would ever happen between the two of us. But, I am so tired of caring and then having it hurt worse. Once again, I have turned off my emotions. I don't even know if I am crazy and things could never work but I just wanted to see. I wanted to spend some time with him. But, it doesn't look like that's going to happen and so I am done trying. I hope I can be done hoping and caring soon cause its getting tiring.

Last night I went and saw the movie "The Last Song" with my roommate Sasha. I bawled my eyes out for probably 20 minutes straight. Sure, its a sad movie and warranted tears but really? 20 minutes? I am pretty sure its safe to say that not all the tears were from the movie. I guess once I started I couldn't stop. That's the problem with holding things in. You never know when they're going to break free on their own. Its been happening too much lately. I am tired of crying. And I am tired of then forcing myself to stop thinking so that I stop crying. When is my life going to be good and not something I want to cry about? I am just tired. And I am numb. I am tired of being numb.

what is wrong with me?

what is wrong with me? i don't want to talk. i don't want to be around anyone. i just want to sit by myself and sulk. and, i don't even know why. well i have a couple of ideas but it still sucks. i'm sick of feeling like this.